Do you ever doubt God exists? I do. As a Christian that is a scary thing to admit. The thing is, I’m human. I have questions that go unanswered. And I just don’t get some stuff. Some times my faith boils down to the fact that when I try not to believe, I can’t. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I just do.
Some of you that make the blog rounds are familiar with Rechelle, a woman in her early forties, who is now a professing atheist after a lifetime as a Christian. I’ve read her blog for a couple years and wasn’t terribly surprised by her announcement. We exchanged a few e-mails and I shared a little about myself. I understand the process she’s gone through. I’ve been there and just came to a different conclusion than she did.
Blogging is very strange in that in enables you to lay down normal barriers. It kind of reminds me of when I was a kid and some of the whispered conversations I had with friends in the dark during sleepovers. It lends an air of safety. In reality you don’t know who is reading what you write.
So why blog? For me it began out of frustration and pain over losing my voice and being home alone all day after 9 years of homeschooling. My first blog, Laughing Always Helps, I made no mention of my personal struggles. It was just a silly blog meant for laughs and served as a creative outlet. It was also a place where I felt some normalcy. No one knew or needed to know what I sounded like. That all ended in the wee hours after our daughter ran away in January of 2008. I got real on my blog and it was no laughing matter.
The outpouring of support through that blog during that time was incredible. However, I deleted the blog after a couple months when someone from our real life stepped into our family drama through seemingly innocuous information they got off my blog… that our daughter had been accepted into a runaway program for teens. Within hours of that post this person tracked my daughter down and made a sticky situation even stickier. It’s not the complete stranger reading your blog you need to worry about so much as it is those who know you. Obviously, I returned to blogging. I missed it. Not being able to speak clearly isolated me and being social by nature I needed to interact with others.
This blog is “anonymous.” However, if you’ve been reading awhile you know my name is Kelly. I’ve also posted videos of me talking. I don’t post my family member’s names or pictures showing their faces. Many people that know me in real life do know of this blog but most don’t. I’m about to change that a bit. This blog will still be semi-anonymous in that I will continue to not use my family member’s real names or post identifiable pictures of them. However, I am going to link my blog to my facebook account.
I’m not 100% sure. I just feel compelled to do so. It has to do with this trip to Africa. It has to do with Rechelle. It has to do with the fact that too often I feel Christians shy away from the hard questions. What harder question to ask of God then why is there so much suffering in this world? Why are innocent children starving to death? Where is God in all of that?
Someone said to me today that the answer to Africa’s problems is nuclear warfare. This person would never go to Africa. There’s no point.
I am going to Africa in search of answers. I want to share the journey with you which is frightening for me. I want some assurance that at the end of this I will be able to present the answers to you all wrapped up with a pretty bow. At the same time I know that is not going to happen.
To be continued…