Monday, February 15, 2010

And the World Keeps Turning...

Today is a bit of a strange day for me.

I went to Denver this morning with Mr. Macchiato for my botox injections. My doctor here in the Springs felt that I was botox resistant due the lack of response to the large doses he'd given me. My injections prior to today were often traumatic. I did have some that I got through fairly well. Then there were the ones where every ounce of my being was screaming for that needle to be out of my neck and tears would roll down my cheeks while I prayed fervently that I would not move involuntarily and cause some sort of irreparable damage. This doctor uses a much thinner needle and injects from the sides rather than through the front. He injected the lowest dose into each side and it was painless. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even feel the initial prick of the second injection. I felt nothing go down the back of my throat. I had absolutely no taste of anything. When he had me count to three after each one there was a change in how I sounded. That leaves quickly and I sound as I always do now but should experience some changes in 3-5 days. If after 5 days I have not I will go back in and he will do it again with a higher dose. He feels he got it in the right spot. I think he's right.

My doctor here in the Springs is a good doctor and I don't want to make it sound like I had a crappy doctor the last 5 years. The fact is this condition is rare. Very few doctors have the specialized training to treat it. They just don't see enough of this in their practices to get good at treating it quickly. My new doctor in Denver specializes in this.

Oh my gosh... and he is aWeSoMe!!!

I couldn't help myself. I hugged him. Twice. First just after the injections and then again before we left. Mr. Macchiato may hug him next time if this works. And... I think it will.

Hope. My goodness... It has been awhile. After I dropped Mr. Macchiato off at work I allowed myself to think about some things I had to shut out of my mind. The possibility of regaining my voice... Oh my gosh. There is so much I've missed...

I used to talk to my Mom on the phone nearly every day. It is rare when that happens now. We've had to rely on e-mail, which I am sorry, is not the same. So many times I've just wanted to talk to my Mom... not being able to talk to her has hurt the most.

Dang... just being able to talk on the phone! Make my own appointments! Mr. Macchiato has doubled as my secretary.

Being able to answer a question someone asks from another room!

Being able to sing (very badly) my favorite songs when I'm by myself!

And... maybe.. just maybe... I will get to sing lullabies and read stories to my future grandchildren.

I'm filled with joy today!

At the same time... I am also very sad.

A co-worker of Mr. Macchiato's has lost her son. The last of the family arrived from other states today so they could say their goodbyes. He was only 25 years old and leaves behind a baby girl not yet a year old. He had been drinking and fell out of his vehicle... his organs will be harvested later tonight.

We are taking the family dinner tonight. I've got a cake in the oven. I was going to buy throw away containers so there were no worries about getting stuff back to us but then I thought... No, I want to take all this stuff in real dishes. And then I almost started bawling right there in Walmart. Oy. I've been thinking a lot about the day my Grandma died. We went back to my Mom's and there were all these doughnuts and a big pot of homemade chicken soup the caretaker made. I don't eat doughnuts often but I did that morning and they were good. That homemade soup was so homey and ... comforting. I decided that comfort food was in order. So, I'm making beef stroganoff, a big salad, taking crusty rustic type bread and a German chocolate cake. I decided to make a cake like that in a 9x13 pan because that's how my Grandma made her cakes and... I didn't want to buy a dessert. There's a feeling you get from certain kinds of food and I am hoping and praying that what I make today will be for them what that bowl of chicken soup was for me the day my Grandma died.

Ugh... so HARD!!!! I cannot fathom the pain of losing a child. I pray to God I never experience that.

Really... the most painful thing I've been through in my life was Chai Tea running away. I didn't think I could bear it. I did survive but it was a long hard road. In a moment our lives completely changed forever. It's one of those things you have to have gone through to really understand. During that time I was so shell shocked that just going to the grocery store was an emotional experience that left me exhausted. I shared on here before that I once was talking to myself and said rather loudly, "I was a good mother!" and when I noticed people looking at me and realized I had said that out loud I started crying and just left my full cart there and went home. It was humiliating. At the same time, it taught me that you just don't know what people are going through. Since that day I look at the people stumbling around in the store who aren't paying attention and I wonder... oh my goodness, what is going on in their life?

Every day life is happening all around us. We can be having the best day while someone else is losing everything. There was a time when I would have felt guilty that something good is happening in my life today while this other family is losing someone they love. Now I know that isn't necessary. I am happy about my appointment. I am also sad for this family. I can be both at the same time. It is the ebb and flow of life...


noexcuses said...

Well, first things first. PRAISE GOD on bringing you and this new doctor together. I am so happy for you. I am praying that the current dosage works, but I know if it doesn't, you can go back and hardly feel the second set if injects.

I am sorry for your friend and her family. I have a 25 year old. He is my first. I, like you, cannot imagine losing him. My thoughts and prayers are with the family.

Now, don't take advantage of your voice by wasting it on a bunch of jerks when you tell them off!

Gladys said...

CB, I'm so happy it looks like this doctor is going to work for you. That is great news.

It's funny I was just reading a book and it talks about getting through times like these. You are sweet and thoughtful to take this family a nice comforting dinner.

Junebug said...

You are so right about the ebb and flow of life. You can be happy for your good hope coming back and sad for their loss at the same time. I never thought of it like that before. Great thought!

Stacey said...

I found your blog on the SD bulletin board a long time ago & really enjoying reading it! You make me laugh when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm lucky that Botox does work for me (with horrible side effects but it works!) I just wanted to let you know that I really REALLY hope the botox works for you this time. Have fingers crossed for you!

Just Me said...

I also hope and pray that this doc can bring your voice back.

Melody said...

I'm so glad that you found the new doc. How I hope that he can get this thing to work for you!

And I'm sorry about the family's loss. What a hard thing to have to deal with. I hope that they can feel comfort during this time.

What a great thing you have done. Many times I hurry and put together a meal for someone, but you have gone the extra mile. I hope that they feel your love as they eat their meal.

{{hugs}} Melody

Andy and Wendy Ingram said...

Wow, so excited for you CB! I am believing with you that God will bring back your voice. I will continue to pray!

So very sorry to hear about your friend and losing her son. Bless you for making them such a lovely meal and yes, comfort food is so needed and will be such a huge offering of love to them.


Kathy said...

I love your spirit! My thoughts are with you.

Elysa said...

You had me in tears, Kelly.

I love you, friend.


Karen Deborah said...

Wow CB this is an awesome post. Heart felt and so much good happening with also sorrow. Having been on the recieving end of getting meals (first time ever) I can tell you that what you are planning will be the best thing they get.
A friend brought us a german chocolate cake and it cheered us all.
I am so sorry for your friends. Life is precious and we take such stupid chances, we all do. I will be praying for these hoped for phone calls to become reality!