Monday, January 4, 2010

Me, Myself and I

I'm pretty sure no one thinks about me as much as I do.

What am I going to wear?
Do I look normal fat or super fat?
What if my skin is saggy when I lose more weight?
My neck looks old. What if I have a HUGE turkey waddle after I lose weight?
What should I eat?
What if I never get my voice back?
Am I nothing more than an amoeba in a vast sea of humanity?
Will being milk white with cankles ever be HOT? Cause, I've got that naturally.
Will I ever learn to use the curling iron without burning my forehead?
Will anyone ever want to hire me after Double Shot graduates?
Am I weird?
If I don't finish writing my book I can keep the dream alive. I don't think I can handle rejection.
Am I a good wife, mom, friend, sister, daughter...?
I suck. I know it.
Do my dogs really love me or is it because I feed them?
How can God use my life?
I want everyone to think I am awesome.

I... me.... me... I... me... I...


How does one get so focused on oneself?

Back during those first months after Chai Tea ran away I was not functioning well. There were days where I did not know where the hours went. I would sit on the couch and stare. Mr. Macchiato and our counselor insisted I see the doctor, which I did. I've been on an anti-depressant since then. Truth be told I was having trouble before Chai Tea ran away. I wasn't adjusting well to not homeschooling after nine years and being at home all day alone. I had always thought I'd get a job at that point in my life but you kind of need your voice for most jobs.

Last spring I went to the doctor and had my medication reduced to the lowest dose. I stopped taking it 3 weeks ago... without consulting the doctor... or Mr. Macchiato. It is just that when I've tried to discuss it it was not met with favorably by either the doctor or Mr. Macchiato. The last couple weeks I took it every other day. So far so good.

Back in 1993 I broke my back in a jet ski accident. I was in a lot of pain for a year but would not take pain medication because my kids were little and I needed to be with it. I would take Soma, a muscle relaxant, at night when Mr. Macchiato was home. I also suffered from debilitating migraines that year. Once Mr. Macchiato came home to find me on the floor in front of Double Shot's crib crying because the pain was so bad. I became depressed. I became so depressed that I fed the kids, made sure they were safe, changed diapers... and that was it. I remember days when I didn't even brush my teeth (something I'm a bit freaky about). Chai Tea started kindergarten a year after the accident. We only had one car so I had to get all three kids and myself fed and dressed and out the door early to walk her to school. That brought me out of it.

There is something about exercise... something about being outside in the sun and fresh air... it is good. I've thought about this a lot and I've noticed some things. The more I think about myself, the more depressed I become. The less I do, the less I feel like doing. The more I focus on others, the better I feel about myself.

I got all signed up for the fitness challenge today. I figured that this was the best time for me to stop taking the medication. I am conditioned to handle more and harder exercise now and am about to step things up quite a bit. I am counting on those endorphins to take the place of the anti-depressant.

So... this has now been documented. If I go off the deep end, y'all will know why. But... I don't think I will. I think I'm actually leaving the deep end.


jojo said...

you are so strong and you give me reason to be strong and set my goals and priorities. Best wishes and good luck with the challenge...I can't wait to see your progress. If I think you are slipping back in the deep part of the pool then I'll let you know...we all need someone to keep tabs on us and keep us strong. Take care CB...

Rustys Mom said...

I just wrote a whole post about how weird I am and how I'm raising my kids to be weird. It's so all about me it's a little freaky but I enjoyed writing it, sorta the opposite of how you felt about writing about yourself.
I've been on an anti depressant for a couple of years now. I'm afraid to go off it. I'll be waiting to see how you are doing. E

Trisha said...

You can do it! I am impressed with your motivating to sign up for the challenge even though you might not feel like it! You will surely do well!

claudia said...

I just started on antidepressants a week and a half ago. Daughter issues...YAY! The Head doc told me I had to take a sleeping pill given me by my med doc. I feel like crap this morning. I sure slept though. But I am groggy, and cross eyed feeling.
You are going to be my hero now. You are strong, and I want to be strong again. I was once. Probably many years ago.
Happy New Year to you and continued progress!

Melody said...

I think you're awesome! Good luck with your goals. :)

Karen Deborah said...

APPLAUSE!!!!! *CLAPPING HANDS WILDLY!* You go girl! If you were not making these big life changes there would be no applause but you are! You know you can sporadically take an anti depressant when you need one. Can you puhleeze rub off on me? I am in the tank, a tow ton tub of lard that has tanked in that bottomless bit of "me" you are an inspiration!

Lady Un-Weighting said...

Hurray for you! ;)
I am so happy for your success...I hope to join you real soon!

God Bless!


Gladys said...

Good for you. It is true that exercise helps with situational depression. Can you eat nuts? If you can eat lots of walnuts. They seem to have natural antidepressants in them too. Diet it huge.

Debra W said...


You do not suck. I just had to tell you that. You are an awesome, loving, thoughtful human being who is living life as best you can.

I remember those days after Chai Tea ran away. I remember feeling your pain all the way here in CA. I am so glad to know that you are feeling well enough to cut back on the meds. That is always a tough call, but exercise definitely helps!

Take good care and keep working on that book. It's time that you do something for yourself and I am so glad that you are doing it!


Paula said...

You go girl. Thanks for so openly sharing your experiences. (((hugs))) You're gonna do great!!