Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Emotional Rollercoaster

I went to a local fire station today. I wanted to talk to someone in the emergency services field and I know that firemen spend a lot of their time waiting around. It seemed like most of the men there came to the door when I rang the bell and all stood there while I asked my questions. I explained that I had a vocal chord disorder and couldn't call around and that I had been certified as an EMT long ago and was interested in doing so again. They were all very nice and answered all of my questions. I also wanted to know about search and rescue training.

I decided to run up to our local community college afterwards and find out about the Basic EMT class they have. I would definitely need to re-take the class and this time I would want to be certified nationally. Classes start tomorrow and I called Mr. Macchiato to see if we could swing it... knowing that we couldn't. It was just a crazy thought.

I felt bad for calling him afterward because I knew he would feel bad for saying no. It was crazy for me to even go up there anyway. I mean... I can't talk. How can I do something like that with my voice? What am I thinking??? I'm supposed to be accepting my limitations. Right?

I try really hard to have a good attitude. I really do.

I sent Mr. Macchiato a text telling him it is okay and I don't know what I was thinking... but then I cried. I HATE not being able to talk. I HATE how limited I am because of it. I NEVER thought I'd have to stay home by myself. Once my kids were raised I planned on working... or at least, doing volunteer work.

I am always overwhelmed when those feelings surface in all their ugliness. I think I've finally gotten beyond that and then I get smacked upside the head with it all over again. I thought to myself that I would call Mr. Macchiato when I got home and ask him to see if he can get me an appointment with Dr. Berke in L.A. We've been talking about it a long time and I want to risk the surgery.

Only... when I got home I got a call from him. He felt bad and got online to get the information to call. However, he followed a link to NSDA and saw that a doctor in Denver I've communicated with before is now doing the surgery. I contacted this doctor and we e-mailed over a year ago... after my doctor here told me I was his most difficult case and there was nothing more he could do for me. This doctor in Denver did not take our insurance... nor was he doing surgery but he is one of the two NSDA board certified doctors that deals with SD in the state (at least back then, I haven't looked at that stuff in awhile). He's now taking our insurance. AND I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE HIM NEXT WEEK!!!!!

Oh God.... PLEASE let him be able to help me!!!!!

14 comments:

jojo said...

Oh, this is such fantastic news. I will keep good thoughts and prayers for your appointment...I hope he can give you some answers.

Elysa said...

Praying right now! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Just Me said...

I haven't commented in a while, but I have been reading. I hope and pray this doctor can provide a successful solution for you!

Whatever your outcome, don't be disheartened. I am sure that somewhere out there is an organization eager to put your talents to good use. They just haven't found you yet.

Andy and Wendy Ingram said...

YES, YES, YES! Love your reslove! Absolutely look into this and glad you made the appt. The worst thing that can happen, is you end up right where you are and best thing is your voice could be restored and you could gain some or all back. CB, God has amazing things for you. He is putting this desire to do more in your heart, because He has more for you to do and you are stepping out in faith in so many areas of you life. I still wonder "where" and "when" you are going to "go" to love so many hundreds of orphans and others. You don't need a physical voice to follow God's call to love because He is so much bigger than our physical limitations. He just wants your willingness and heart. So many people in the world just need to be loved on and served and you can do that without speech and a voice. You can do so much with just your presence and intelligence that God has gifted you with. I can't wait to see where God will use you and what organization God will lead you to. I can tell God has put more in your heart and He will direct you. God has great plans for you friend! Keep seeking and don't give up and know I am praying for you!

Andy and Wendy Ingram said...

Oops, meant "resolve".

Gladys said...

Oh honey keep us informed. I am thrilled you got an appointment. Don't give up!

Rustys Mom said...

Wonderful news. Sending many prayers your way that he can help you.

Don't give up. It's hard to figure out what you want to do when you grow up. Keep praying the answers will come to you. E

Mrs. said...

I'm so sad that you are feeling down about your voice problems, but so glad to hear that you have found a doctor that could maybe have the ability to help or cure it.

I was reading in a history book the other day about Martha Washington (George's wife). She had many hardships in life and she wrote something that I think is worth remembering when times get bad.

"Through it all, I was determined to be happy, for I had learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances".

Coffee Bean, you are not defined by your illness. You are an intelligent and vibrant woman. God has given you talents and gifts and maybe the ability to speak is gone at the moment, but you have much to share with others. You just have to figure that out and pursue it with gusto! God bless.

Mrs. Beamer said...

So sorry, my finger slipped and sent my post before I could write out my name on the previous message.

Trisha said...

Yeah! It seems like things are falling into place for you - finally! I will be praying (and keeping my fingers crossed for extra luck) that things go well for you!

Oklahoma Granny said...

Excellent news! You are certainly in my prayers. Please keep us updated.

Memaw's memories said...

Wonderful news. Hopefully, this Dr will be able to fix you up good as new.

CrazeeTeacherLady said...

God has given you the desire in your heart and I believe he will help the desire come to pass. Praying for you and the doctor too.

Chris H said...

OH I do hope he can help you mate. Let us know asap!