I went to a local fire station today. I wanted to talk to someone in the emergency services field and I know that firemen spend a lot of their time waiting around. It seemed like most of the men there came to the door when I rang the bell and all stood there while I asked my questions. I explained that I had a vocal chord disorder and couldn't call around and that I had been certified as an EMT long ago and was interested in doing so again. They were all very nice and answered all of my questions. I also wanted to know about search and rescue training.
I decided to run up to our local community college afterwards and find out about the Basic EMT class they have. I would definitely need to re-take the class and this time I would want to be certified nationally. Classes start tomorrow and I called Mr. Macchiato to see if we could swing it... knowing that we couldn't. It was just a crazy thought.
I felt bad for calling him afterward because I knew he would feel bad for saying no. It was crazy for me to even go up there anyway. I mean... I can't talk. How can I do something like that with my voice? What am I thinking??? I'm supposed to be accepting my limitations. Right?
I try really hard to have a good attitude. I really do.
I sent Mr. Macchiato a text telling him it is okay and I don't know what I was thinking... but then I cried. I HATE not being able to talk. I HATE how limited I am because of it. I NEVER thought I'd have to stay home by myself. Once my kids were raised I planned on working... or at least, doing volunteer work.
I am always overwhelmed when those feelings surface in all their ugliness. I think I've finally gotten beyond that and then I get smacked upside the head with it all over again. I thought to myself that I would call Mr. Macchiato when I got home and ask him to see if he can get me an appointment with Dr. Berke in L.A. We've been talking about it a long time and I want to risk the surgery.
Only... when I got home I got a call from him. He felt bad and got online to get the information to call. However, he followed a link to NSDA and saw that a doctor in Denver I've communicated with before is now doing the surgery. I contacted this doctor and we e-mailed over a year ago... after my doctor here told me I was his most difficult case and there was nothing more he could do for me. This doctor in Denver did not take our insurance... nor was he doing surgery but he is one of the two NSDA board certified doctors that deals with SD in the state (at least back then, I haven't looked at that stuff in awhile). He's now taking our insurance. AND I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE HIM NEXT WEEK!!!!!
Oh God.... PLEASE let him be able to help me!!!!!