Thursday, October 8, 2009

My Ridiculous Life

I've been in the hospital. Swine Flu? No. Food poisoning? No. Flesh eating disease? No. Broken bones? No. Intestinal issues? Yes.
How do I put this delicately? I could not "go." Nice. Let me tell you this: Constipation = MEAN. It's true. In the nearly 21 years we've been married Mr. Macchiato has been constipated ONCE. And he was meaner. than. a. snake.
This is my anonymous blog. Yes, there are some of you that read this that know me in real life but I limit how many of you real lifers know about this here blog. I do try to maintain some semblance of normalcy when out and about amongst the general public you know.
The hospital stay was the result of a week spent with me trying to remedy the situation myself. To no avail. And with me stopping just short of ingesting a stick of dynamite. Mr. Macchiato made me an appointment to see the doctor last Friday after demanding to know why I'd been so mean all week. He was mortified. If he had been me he would have been locked up in jail for having gone on a murderous rampage throughout the city.
I typed out my sad tale for the doctor. She was mortified. I was sent directly to the hospital for a CT scan. After they confirmed that I did, in fact, have a problem, she told me to get some magnesium citrate and drink a bottle of that and to do warm water enemas. Nice.
Friday night I drank a bottle of the magnesium citrate and rolled around on my bed trying not to throw up for hours. And nothing. Saturday I did FIVE enemas. And nothing. Saturday night I drank another bottle of magnesium citrate. And nothing.
On Sunday I had Mr. Macchiato call my friend in Mississippi who is a nurse that has really gotten into health and nutrition (fellow blogger Karen Deborah). I needed him to speak for me because I can't be heard whispering on the phone and we had a lot of ground to cover. He was difficult. He wanted to just beat around the bush and didn't want to say the word "constipated." I whisper yelled at him (which means I whispered faster while making a mean face) that Karen is a NURSE and to just say what I say. We were on the phone for a long time. It was great because she explained a lot of what she's been learning recently and Mr. Macchiato really listened. I'd been telling him about it all too... but... he doesn't really listen to me when I talk about stuff like that. Oh, he'll tell you he does. He doesn't.
Karen suggested I try a warm milk and molasses enema. Apparently, that's what they give cancer patients. It is supposed to be very gentle and effective. I tried it. And nothing. And I'm never drinking milk again.
Sunday night I drank yet another bottle of magnesium citrate. I was extremely nauseous and started throwing up. Only there wasn't much to throw up because I hadn't eaten in days. Then my stomach really started to hurt. Mr. Macchiato called the doctor on call and then we waited around a little while to see if things settled down. At 1 am Monday morning Mr. Macchiato drove me to the ER.
I was admitted. While still waiting for a bed in the ER they decided to try an "11th Floor Enema." It was BRUTAL with little result. I experienced tingling in my extremities and when the blood pressure cuff went off my hand cramped up. It scared me and I started hyperventilating which caused all my muscles to cramp. I could not straighten my arms or uncurl my hands. My legs twisted and it was extremely painful. I didn't know if I was having a seizure, if it was some sort of dystonia attack, or what. That made me hyperventilate more which made the cramping worse. There were people all around me and one kept yelling at me to slow my breathing down. They injected Adavan and said I was having a panic attack. I don't know if this had something to do with it but, we learned later that I am severely potassium deficient.
Monday afternoon I had an NG tube inserted through my nose down into my belly. It was a fairly large tube and it hurt my throat the entire time it was in. They slowly put a gallon of the prep solution for colonoscopies through the tube throughout the course of the day. I had to be given phenegran a couple times because I would throw up around the tube. I was MISERABLE.
Some good friends of ours came to visit around 8 pm. I could tell by their faces that I was freaking them out. I'm sure I looked pretty bad. While they were there my new night nurse was attending to me. I had been very fortunate to have great nurses up to that point. This nurse was schlepping around with one of the warm blankets for patients around her shoulders like a shawl. While the other nurses had injected the solution into the tube slowly she plunged it down as quickly as possible. My tube became clogged and she came back with a can of Diet Coke which she tried to plunge through just as quickly, making it fizz up and spill over the top. She talked to herself and dropped trash on the floor and then didn't bother herself to pick it up. Our friends were horrified.
Things finally started moving at 10 pm and the tube was removed at 11 pm. My IV line had gone bad and was removed. No one could get another line in so two people from the Flight for Life crew were brought down. They were awesome and got one in first try. I am currently sporting the arms of an intravenous drug addict.

And... I got a new nurse! She was great! The best one of them all. I asked her what happened to the worst nurse ever and she told me that she went home. She wasn't feeling well and had slept late so was unable to call for a replacement. When they learned she was running a fever they sent her home. Nice. If I come down with the Swine Flu in a couple days we will know why.
5 am Tuesday morning I received another "11th Floor Enema" just to be sure. I'm still hearing, "Roll over on your left side," in my dreams at night. At 6 am I was taken for my colonoscopy of which I remember nothing and of which I was given the all clear. I was finally discharged at 4 pm on Tuesday... a full two hours after I was told I would be.
Since my return home I have been afflicted with the opposite problem. Nice.
Mr. Macchiato, while on Sunday was squeamish about uttering the word constipation, quickly got over his reluctance to speak of all bowel related issues and has been busy proclaiming to the entire free world all the nitty gritty little details of my intestinal woes. I have overheard many a conversation of his on the phone that has made me blush in horror. He's also seen fit to relay to me all of the stories about so and so's first cousin's uncle or brother-in-law's mother or whatever who had the same sort of problems and suggestions as to what can be done about it. Good Grief.
When I was in the shower yesterday someone started beating on our front door. And I do mean BEATING. It scared the bejeebers out of me. I looked out of the bathroom window to see a white florist van parked all cattywompus in our driveway but didn't see the delivery person. I quickly put on my robe and looked out the window again to see that he'd gone over to the neighbors that I don't know (I do know most of them) that likes to argue with his girlfriend in the driveway quite regularly. I opened our front door as he reached our driveway and he told me he'd go get my flowers for me. A few minutes later as I was standing on my porch signing for my flowers it hit me that I was buck naked under my robe as water was still dripping off of my legs and was standing mere inches from some strange man. Nice.

The flowers were from Mr. Macchiato's co-workers. I just know when I walk into the Christmas party this year that people will discreetly whisper into their spouses/dates ears, "That's *****... remember the one that had to be hospitalized in October because she couldn't crap?" and they'll slowly nod their heads as they say, "ooooooh yeah..."
And to add insult to injury... I didn't even lose any weight.


Melody said...

Wow! I'm so sorry! What a crappy time you had! But I'm glad everything came out alright in the end! hahahaha! Sorry, I just had to say it! :-)

But seriously... I hope that you are feeling lots better now! By the way, maybe probiotics will help you in the future. The good bacteria in the gut gets killed off when you take antibiotics, which can cause constipation. When you take probiotics it restores the good bacteria. It's worth a shot! Get the good kind that have to be refrigerated; it works lots better than the other stuff. Good luck!

paul mitchell said...

Um, poor Mr. Macchiato. He needs a vacation. His wife has a blog and has to talk about stuff that has NO BUSINESS ever being spoken.

(By the way, you might want to edit his name outta the post, too!!!)

BAD WIFE......

Elysa said...

Okay...the milk part got me! OMGOSH!!!!

And I am so very, very sorry. :( I'm glad that things are better and pray it stays that way. Did they give you any clue as to how you got this way in the first place???

jojo said...

I am going to do everything I possibly can to make sure I never get constipated again. You poor thing...I am sorry you went through all of that...ack! Hope you are feeling better CB..take care.

Andy and Wendy Ingram said...

Coffee Bean, I am so sorry to hear you have been in the hospital. Not fun! I hope you get some rest this weekend and get back to yourself! Praying for you...

SheroSkyKnight said...

Wow I didn't have to go through the tube problem when I had it done, though mine I guess was slightly different, and for completely different reasons is probably why. Looks like your oldest daughter has picked up the panic attack trait too. Hope things do get better for you.

Karen Deborah said...

Lawdy woman, that is a tale of woe if ever I heard one. Are you sure you want to tell the world that i told you to take a milk and molasses enema? And for the record you might be the only one who it didn't work for.

I am going to write you a letter with everything I know about preventing this. I hope you like stewed prunes and dried apricots. Cause here they come baby!!!

Kelly in Texas said...

Oh, my! A funny tale, indeed!

claudia said...

Oh I hope that never happens to you again! I am glad you are home and doing better!
No advice...just (((((HUGS)))))!

Chris H said...

SHIT, what a CRAPPY and most POO thing to happen!
I am so sorry you have had such a 'HARD TIME' going.... constipation really is cruel, having had it quite a lot myself.
I hope all the intestinal issues are now sorted and working properly.
You 'named' his nibs in your post too.

Coffee Bean said...

Oh my goodness... I didn't catch that I put Mr. Macchiato's name in there. LOL!

Trisha said...

Wow - you have been through the wringer, haven't you? So sorry to hear about your problems but so glad to hear that you are getting better!

Take care of yourself!

Oklahoma Granny said...

Bless your heart! I am so sorry you (and Mr. Macchiato) had to go through that experience. Hopefully everything is pretty much back to normal for you now.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

what they will say is omg i hope that never happens to me! i feel your pain and hope to god i never get into that situation.
love ya and so glad you are feeling better!

Kathy said...

All I could think was that you should've given a COFFEE ENEMA... Glad all is well again. Poor poor arms. HUGS!

Flea said...

I love the word cattywompus. Thank you.

Yes, potassium deficiency causes cramps. We were told to eat a banana a day when playing basketball, so as not to cramp up during a game. Throwing up will cause potassium deficiency, and it sounds like you did plenty of that. I'm so sorry.

We eat yogurt to combat antibiotics. Won't help you now, however. :(

CrazeeTeacherLady said...

I have felt your pain. Three years ago I went in with pain so bad I thought it was my appendics. Turns out I had a piece of tissue wrapped around my colon, which was not allowing the waste product to move through my intestines. I was in the hospital for a few days with no food or drink, then surgery, and then the rest of the week recovering from surgery. I went 7 days without any food or water and didn't lose a single pound. I don't think I ever said "constipated" the whole time, but my family members had no trouble telling everyone that I couldn't take a crap! I guess you and I are the "Queens of Constipation!" *g*

Just Me said...

Wow. This is what happens when my blogging falls by the wayside.

I do hope you're feeling better.

Really, the mag citrate did nothing? Three bottles of it did nothing? I'm flabbergasted.

Angela said...

Oh my goodness gracious. Of course I'm reading all of this with just such pain and heartache for you and than you end with that last statement..girl..I LOVE you...

Of course you would have had an attitude,,a week with no pooping! Cripe, if I go one day girl, I am in SO much agony!! (colitis).

I am praying while your away with everything that is also happening with your family that your bowels will be ok, that you won't get bound up and I'm praying for peace all around you (((hugs)))