Thursday, July 9, 2009

sMaSh-O-gRaM

Yup. Had one yesterday.

Any men that read this that get squeamish about girlie stuff... you might want to move along to another blog.

Mr. Macchiato forced me to go. He'd been nagging me about it for a looooong time. A couple weeks ago he called me and said be there on this day at this time. Period.

When I was 28 a mass was discovered in my left breast during a routine exam at the doctor that I was completely unaware of. We had an HMO at the time and everything had to be pre-approved. They put in for an ultra sound, which took days to approve and then I had to go back to the doctor to get the results... then they had to put in for a mammogram, which again took days to approve with a doctor visit a day or two afterward. Then there was the attempt to do a needle biopsy... meeting with a surgeon... phone calls every day... waiting for results... waiting for appointments. It was five weeks from that first appointment to the day of my surgery and the mass was benign. Our children were 6, 5, and 3 at the time so it was extra stressful dealing with the fear.

Several years after that we had another round... only when the doctor said he wanted to do surgery I went home and told Mr. Macchiato everything was fine and didn't go back.

About 8 years ago I started to stress about the fact that I ignored the previous doctor and went to have another mammogram. Everything was fine. By the way, I do not recommend ignoring doctors and keeping that sort of information from your spouse. I should have gone for a second opinion.

So, I schlepped into the imaging center yesterday.

Let me tell you... there is a major difference between getting a mammogram when you are 28 and not overweight and getting one when you are 42 and a blubbernuggett. Instead of pressing up against the machine and trying to get the goods where they need to be... the tech, with cold hands, just picks those babies up off your chest and slaps them down on the platform. It still hurt like a ma jiggy and at one point I thought one of them was going to pop.

I was sent back to the waiting room with all the other ladies naked from the waist up in their over sized hospital gowns. Then I was called back to an office... my doctor needed to be called to order a diagnostic mammogram. More waiting. Then back for some more of the prodding, pulling, smashing, squishing and breath holding.

Waiting room...

Office...

Waiting room...

Waiting room...

Office... given a bag for my clothes and another gown to be moved to another department.

Waiting room... starting to panic...

Ultrasound... Tech points out the very large cyst they found. Then gives me a hard time about not getting mammograms regularly. Left me on the table with the picture of the cyst up on the big screen on the wall.

While I was lying there I was thinking. I wonder how much my boobs weigh... I'm definitely getting implants if I have to get them cut off... What will they look like naked? Will there be scars across them or will they make it so you can't see them? I wonder if I can google reconstituted boobs after cancer and find some pictures... What happens to the nipples? Oh my gosh... would they look like mannequin boobs? Do they make fake nipples? What if I have to do chemo? I wonder how much weight I would lose... I don't think my head shape would look good with no hair. Cute hats or a wig? Both. That way I can go with however I feel that day. What if it's gone too far... what if I don't survive... Would Mr. Macchiato remarry? Oh my gosh... what if he likes his second wife better than me? I had better be the favorite wife!!! Oh my gosh... the kids... I want their children to have their grandma! What is my problem?!?!? WHY did I not go for my regular appointments?!?!?! I am so stupid!!!

The ultrasound tech and the radiologist came back into the room. The radiologist explained that the cyst is the non-cancerous kind and it is better just left alone... however, he doesn't like the tissue all around the cyst. They want me back in six months to do all this over again.

HALLELUJAH AND THANK GOD!!! I now have six months to absolutely make sure I am the most favorite wife ever! Just kidding... kind of.

Ladies, if you have put off getting your mammogram, GO!!! Pick up your phone right now and make the call. If they find things early it can be taken care of.

11 comments:

Angela said...

((((hugs))))) I haven't gone for mine yet...I did go for the pap though...which I have not gone for over 8 years...

MaBunny said...

I feel for you, I have yet to experience the smash o gram - but will get to in the next few years i'm sure.

Wife in Training said...

Wow mama. You should pay back daddy by making him go to check out his skin.. seriously he should go

Chris H said...

So glad your cyst is harmless!
I am due for a mammograme.. *sigh*.. will get it done, yes ma'am!

Just Me said...

Okay. I practically peed myself over the ice-cold hands slapping your not-meant-to-be-flatso booby onto the glass.

I haven't had a mammogram in years. I finally decided to get one and had Kryptonite instead. I can't go until she's weaned, but I WILL go as soon as I can.

The other issue, of course, is maxing out on my annual allowance for checkups and such. I haven't had a standard physical in YEARS because the allowance is usually gobbled up by my annual pelvic and PAP.

And Wife in Training is right. The dermatologist should be on the list as well. I, who burned to a crisp every summer at grandma's, was convinced the doc would find all manner of precancerous ick on my skin. My father has had stuff removed on several occasions. I was amazed at the good report. The Oracle, on the other hand, had two scary precancerous moles removed, and he's only had ONE sunburn in his entire life.

You never can tell.

claudia said...

I'm sorry, there is no room for laughing now, but I laughed anyway.
I just went through all this. I did not think about all the stuff you thought about. First, there is no husband that will need to get a second wife after me, so no worrying about whether or not I would be the favorite wife. My kids are grown, and my demise may just make them "grow up", so that would be a good thing...hey wait...not a good thing, but, well you know what I mean, I hope.
The only thing I thought about was oh hell, if I have to have chemo, I will lose all my hair, and my hair is a source of pride for me. (Yes, that is a little shallow) but I have been growing this hair for the longest time and I get a lot (A LOT) of compliments on it. I just wouldn't want to have to start all over again.
I know all about the grab 'em an' slab 'em with the technicians...ugh! My boobs are all over the place, they are so...okay too much information! And yes I thought one of mine would pop too!
I am so glad that all turned out alright for you. I know how you felt, I was just there.

Karen Deborah said...

Oh girl friend we have so much in common I had myself dead and buried too. A total hip replacement is a way better deal than bone cancer.Techs need to quit scaring the beegeezus out of us!

I am waiting for some sadistic inventor to make a testicle smash o gram.

SheroSkyKnight said...

There is no need to worry, there are worse things than the ball-smash-o-gram, trust me I've been there. There are parts of a man's colon and beyond that he just shouldn't have to see on a TV monitor as it is sprayed with warm water... doctors have some real issues, sadists.

Just Me said...

Claudia: I understand your hair being a source of pride. Mine is too.

BUT, I can't help wondering if Farrah would have had a better chance at beating her cancer if she and the docs didn't worry about hair loss during chemo.

In my view, there's only one approach to battling cancer: Scorched earth.

(Can you tell that cancer frightens me terribly?)

CS said...

Hello Righteous Buzz!

I have been a long time lurker and fan and very much enjoy reading about your family and your animals. After reading the post about the smash-o-gram I knew I had to post!
Please please please encourage your posters who are behing on their mammos to make an appt today!
At the age of 40 my very first mammogram saved my life. Had I not gone and waited until the cancer could actually be felt as a lump it would of been too late for me.
I did it all...the needle biopsy, the lumpectomy ( unsuccesful- the margins were still not clean after the procedure) the mastectomy, the six months of chemo, the hair falling out by the handful in the shower and finally the reconstruction (very weird how they recreate a nipple).
As weird as it sounds after eight yrs I would not take anything for the experience...I learned so much about myself, about my family and about my God! Mammograms do save lives...I am living proof!!!

Trisha said...

Interestingly enough, this is on my to-do list for today: Schedule a mamogram! Glad everything turned out okay this time. Don't put off the next one so they can keep on eye on things - so to speak!