Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ten Juicy Things

Well... my buddy Karen at Fresh Fixins passed this on to me last week. Honestly, I didn't know how I could possibly come up with any more juicy things about me that I haven't already shared on this blog. I mean really. There's a reason y'all don't know my real name and there aren't any identifiable pictures here! I've been thinking... and thinking some more... and I found some. They are not all juicy. They all, however, are true.

These confessions revolve around a friend I had in Jr. High and my first year and a half of High School. My father liked to call her, "Skippy." Not to her face, of course. Just amongst our family. She liked to pull the front part of her hair up into two rubber bands on either side of her head. That coupled with the fact that she often let her mouth hang open reminded my Dad of a dog.

I don't recall the exact moment I met Skippy. I just know that we were in Jr. High. My family moved from the Seattle area to Southern California (north of San Diego) when I was in the middle of 7th grade. She was a church girl and introduced me to Amy Grant, Keith Green and the contemporary Christian music of that time.

1. I sometimes went to her church with her which was located near Encinitas in an area called Cardiff by the Sea. My first experience with pot was behind the building before church started. No, I did not smoke any. I had just never seen or smelled it before and did not even know what it was called. I was quite taken back by it. I had always wanted my family to go to church and those kids had that... and yet chose to act that way.

To give you a little background... I have the ability to be outgoing and my Mom has many stories from my early years. However, I was never that way at school. I hung back and observed. I wanted my teachers to like me. I loved to read. In fact, I worked in the library of our school through Jr. High. I loved the librarians and they were pretty fond of me. We'd talk about the books I was reading and they would tell me about others they thought I would like. During that time I also had an English teacher I really liked. He was an older gentlemen that somewhat resembled Santa Claus. He had some medical emergency that took him out for a couple of months and he sent a note to the substitute teacher telling her some nice things about me and to have me help her if she needed it. She read it out loud in front of the class and then asked me to stand up. I was teased pretty badly for these things and for that reason did not seek to develop relationships with my teachers in high school... or get involved in any extra-curricular activities. I just wanted to be invisible. Where friends were concerned I just took what came my way.

2. Skippy was loud. She definitely ran the show where we were concerned. She also liked to get physical sometimes and shove me. I never quite knew how to take that. She would also punch me in the boob. Well, I didn't have boobs yet. She punched me where I should have had a boob. Always the left non-existent one. Sometimes it really hurt. I used to lay awake at night and fret about it. I was afraid she damaged it and that it would never grow. I had heard that one of my aunts only grew one boob. I seriously lost a lot of sleep over it. When I was 28 and had to have a mass removed from my left breast... I thought of Skippy.

3. One time we rode our bikes to a large park with a fountain. I brought my little brother, Trevor, who was 5 or 6. We were approached by an older man who told us that he was a photographer and that he thought we could be models. I wasn't too sure about that. Skippy got very excited and agreed for us so he left to get his camera. I told her I didn't think he was telling the truth. She got upset with me and felt that I was trying to screw up her being discovered. He came back with a very nice camera and proceeded to direct us in how he wanted us to pose. Trevor was jumping up and down and making muscles while he said, "Take a picture of me! Take a picture of me!" which he did.

Then the man wanted to take pictures of me by myself and I was very uncomfortable with the way he was wanting me to pose. Skippy started getting mad because he was taking pictures of me and demanded that he take pictures of her by herself. It was obvious that it was me that he was interested in. Looking back as an adult, I'm certain this man was into kiddie p*rn. It wasn't that I was better looking than Skippy... I was much less developed and looked younger than I was.

I refused to pose the way he was asking and moved with Skippy out of his hearing and whispered to her that there was something very wrong with all of it. The man was talking to Trevor and as we got closer we heard Trevor telling him our home phone number and address which he had recently learned.

At that point, Skippy finally became alarmed but was still hoping he really was a model photographer. He told us that he needed our addresses so he could send us copies of the pictures he took. Skippy told him that he needed to give us his business card so our parents could call him. He got very nervous and then finally ripped the phone number off of the corner of a business card while telling her he had to do it that way because it was his last one. She grabbed the card from his hand and read that it was for an auto body & parts shop... and went crazy!

Skippy demanded he hand over the film from his camera. He said it would ruin the film and that he had other pictures on the roll. He also tried to tell us that he was a part-time photographer and that that was why he had the business card he did. She started screaming and tried to grab the camera away. People started looking over at us so he quickly took the film out and handed it to her. We got on our bikes and decided to go to my house, even though it was much farther from the park than hers, because my parents were home.

A couple blocks from the park we noticed that the man was following us in his car. We got very scared and started riding as fast as we could. Trevor had not been riding a two wheeler long and was falling behind. I was screaming at him to go faster and he was crying. We got off the street and followed a path that went behind the houses. We were hysterical by the time we made it to our house and my parents were a bit overwhelmed by everything we had to say. I don't remember if they called the police or not. If they did, I did not talk to them.

A couple months later this man approached me again in the park around the corner from our house. I was alone so I ran as fast as I could back home. I looked back just as I was turning into our yard and saw him watching me from the top of the hill. When my Dad quickly came back out with me he was gone.

4. I was over at Skippy's house one night when she caught a frog out in the street in front of her house. She then put the frog into a jar. Instead of poking holes into the lid she put some water into the jar and shook the jar. She then wanted me to shake the jar. I backed away but she kept thrusting it at me. I was afraid she was going to punch me in my non-boob so I shook it gently. She dumped the frog out onto her driveway, it staggered drunkenly, threw up and then died. To this day I cannot look at a frog without thinking of that poor frog we killed.

5. When we were freshmen in high school we ate lunch with a big group of kids. We often sat in a giant circle. There was a large, loud mouthed, red headed kid that was regularly beyond obnoxious. I never said much and one day he was being rather rude to some others in the group. I finished my apple and then lobbed it in his direction. It hit him on the top of his head and everyone started laughing. He got up and left. About 10 minutes later he came back with this frizzy haired woman... she was a junior but her body was such that I was sure she had to have been held back several years. The boy pointed in my direction. This crazy person stomped over and grabbed Skippy up by the neck and started hitting her while hollering about an apple. I was so shocked I went and grabbed her by the arm and yelled that I was the one that threw the apple. She turned toward me in a wild eyed fury and I started running. We were down by the gym so I headed for the locker room. Big mistake. Before I knew it my head was shoved into a locker and she was slamming the door over and over on my back and neck. Thankfully, a coach came and broke it up. We were all sent to the Principal's office. It was the one and only time I ever was sent to the Principal's office. The beating machine was suspended and I was given a warning not to throw apple cores.

6. Skippy invited me to go to the beach with her church group. My Mom is an excellent seamstress. She made most of my clothes growing up. She decided to venture into swimsuit making and I was the recipient of identical black and purple swimsuits. These were womanly swimsuits and if I stood still it looked like the top fit. Unfortunately, you are not always just sitting or standing still on the beach. I had to tie the top as tight as possible in order to insure that there was no slippage to avoid revealing... well, nothing.

My mother included the required extra material in the crotch of these swimsuits. However, that material was not sewn closed. This created a sort of crotch pocket. While I was romping about in the surf and having a great time, the crotch pocket was filling with sand. I felt an uncomfortable heaviness as I was exiting the waves and did a sort of plie' so I could see what was going on down there. I also did a quick look back to see that, not only did it look like I was wearing a mattress sized Kathy Rigby Stayfree maxi-pad, but... that I'd also dropped an elephant sized load.

I quickly jumped back into the water . I did not know what to do. There was no way I could walk up past all the kids from the church to get my towel and then head the mile down the beach to the restroom to dig it all out! In my distress, the waves were knocking me about and I kept getting pushed under the waves. I decided to swim out to where they weren't breaking and try to dig the sand out of the crotch pocket while I tread water. Unfortunately, there were a lot of people around and I was getting some looks. I then decided to try to dig it out under water. Of course, while I was trying to do this I was worried about salt water getting sucked up into my hooch... or a jelly fish. I finally seemed to have gotten most of the sand out but couldn't tell if the swimsuit was back as it should be. It did not feel right. I was exhausted and half drowned. People were calling my name and standing along the shore. As I swam back in I kept trying to pat around down there to make sure all was well which made it look like I didn't know how to swim or was having a seizure, or both. I emerged from the ocean and walked as quickly as I could to my towel... all the while smiling like nothing had happened.

On another trip to the beach with Skippy and her church group, she and I took the Youth Pastor's ridiculously long long surfboard out to try to ride it together. We were only familiar with boogie boarding. We were both straddling it and paddling around with our hands like fools. Soon we noticed we had drifted quite aways from the rest of the people. We started paddling for shore but kept getting pulled further out. We were caught in the riptide and had gone beyond the red flags. A couple life guards showed up in a jeep and used their bullhorn to say, "girls on the surfboard, come ashore!"

Skippy jumped off the surfboard and swam away. I slipped off and decided it would be easier for me to swim in while pushing the surfboard in front of me. I wasn't getting anywhere and started to panic. I saw Skippy get out of the water and stand next to a life guard. The other life guard swam out to me and showed me how to swim in parallel with the shore. It took a long time. Then, once I was safely on the beach, I was given a harsh talking to by the life guards... which, by the way, were not hot.

7. Skippy invited me to a church group sleepover. It turned out to be a mostly unsupervised co-ed camp out in a tent in the backyard of a church member. It was there that I was introduced to AC/DC and we listened to She Rocked Me All Night Long and Back in Black... over and over... and over again.

I was a nobody at our high school. Interestingly, at this particular camp out I was being pursued by the boy all the other girls wanted. He was a surfer and very cute. A couple of the girls were not happy about it. I was a bit confused because I thought these other girls were much prettier than I was. It was chilly for California and he insisted I sit on his lap with us wrapped up in his sleeping bag most of the evening. He kept sniffing my neck and telling me I smelled good. I was a nervous wreck.

We must have eaten some ice cream or something... I started getting these sharp pains in my belly. Until I had been married a couple of years I would only... ahem... pass gas if I was alone in my bedroom or the bathroom. This meant that I would get incredible stomach aches regularly. If it went on too long these horribly loud growling noises would start erupting forth from my very depths. There was no controlling them. There I was all snuggled up on this boys lap when it happened. It startled him and he told me to go eat something.

I was in a lot of pain. I decided to go to the bathroom. I had waited too long and couldn't fart. I tried jumping up and down, shaking my legs one at a time, and squatting. It was a no go. My belly was also beginning to bloat. I went back outside. I snuggled back up with the boy. He kissed me. My first kiss actually... and my stomach did it again. He pushed me off and told me I couldn't sit on his lap if my stomach was going to keep doing that. I wanted to die.

The family went to bed. The kids wanted to go pool hopping. That is where you sneak into people's backyards and swim in their pools. It was really cold to be doing that sort of thing and I didn't want to. Of course, I did anyway. We went next door. I really just wanted to go home. We weren't there long because a dog started barking. As I was going back over the fence I hit my hooch bone so hard that my eyes were watering. Fortunately, that was enough for some of the kids and I stayed back with them while the others went on to other pools.

8. Skippy's parents separated and her Dad got an apartment very close to our high school. She talked me into spending the night with her at her Dad's the night of a school dance. Her Dad didn't have much furniture, left to go somewhere without feeding us dinner, and we walked to the dance in the dark. It was very upsetting to me and I did not feel safe. We were outside the gym when it was announced that the dance was being cancelled due to some problem with the band's equipment. Some boys from another school had been talking to us while we waited to get in. One of them was very tall, cute and seemed to have taken a liking to me. I was focused on him so I'm not sure what happened but a riot broke out and it was apparently started by some of the kids he was with. Things got crazy and people started running. He grabbed my hand and started running too. Skippy was with another one of his friends. This boy had a very nice car although I don't remember what it was. It was sporty and dark sparkly blue. I had never been in a car with another kid driving. We drove around. He told me his Dad was Robert Wagner. He starred in a show called Hart to Hart that was pretty big right then. He told me he was a big jerk. When they dropped us off he took my face in his hands and gave me a big long kiss right on the lips. He took my phone number but I never heard from him again. I always wondered if he'd been telling me the truth so I just googled Robert Wagner. Nope. That boy lied to me.

9. Skippy wanted me to cut class with her one day. I was afraid to cut a real class so I agreed to ditch my dance class that happened to be right before lunch. We left campus through a hedge of bushes along the back of the school property. Not far from there was a little retirement community situated around a lake. It was a very pretty day and we walked out on one of the docks. There were some friendly ducks and as I was inching forward to see if they would let me touch them I suddenly found myself in the water. Skippy had pushed me off the dock. The water was very dark and murky. I was disoriented not having expected that. I somehow ended up under the floating dock and kept hitting my head as I tried to come up out of the water. Just as I was realizing that I might drown, I was plucked from the water by a big man. He directed us to a nice lady who loaned me her bathrobe and dried my clothes while we sat on lounge chairs by her pool. She even fed us. I didn't say anything to Skippy. She didn't seem to feel any remorse for what she had done.

10. That very same day... I went without a bra in public. It was the one and only time in my life. It had not quite dried all the way and we needed to get back to school. While in English class the boy in front of me turned around to pass some papers the teacher was handing out. I saw on his face that he could see down my shirt and I let him look. By this time there was actually a little somethin' to see. I immediately felt horrible and I'm still ashamed every time I think of it.

That day I decided that I could not be friends with Skippy anymore. We didn't have a dramatic friend break up... I just avoided her. I was constantly watching for her and would go the other direction. When she called I told her I couldn't do whatever she was wanting to do. I didn't tell another friend or my parents. Eventually, she stopped calling. I never was in another class with her the rest of high school. The last time I talked to her was the day we graduated and it was only briefly. She was getting married and had plans to go to school to be a dental hygienist.

And this has got to be the longest post in the history of blogs.

I don't even know who to pass this award along to! If you want to purge yourself of ten things from your past... come and get it!


Just Me said...


It's amazing what a powerful influence our friends can be.

That bit with the "photographer" is way too C R E E P Y. If you were my kids, I'd never sleep again, wondering if that weirdo would try snatching you out of your bedroom.

Karen Deborah said...

Wow is right! Creepy scary and funny. I was scared to death a couple of times and howled like a hyena over the bathing suit with the crotch pocket. You poor thing, stay away from any kid that reminds your Dad of a dog. This post is definitely worthy of honest scrap.

you know we should've hung out more, you can't fart and I can't hold it. you could've at least had a buddy to blame the noises on. The narrow escape with the child molester has given me a bit of digestive upset. WOW, God was looking out for you.

noexcuses said...

Wow, wow & wow! Thank you for allowing me to take a look into your past. It always amazes me how many times God was watching over us when we did stupid stuff as kids.

Great post!

Angela said...

What an interesting ten juicy items you shared. I was giggling, awwwwwing, and gasping as I read on. WOW...Thanks so much for sharing...

Gladys said...

Oh Honey! I loved your purge. Isn't it awful the things we did. Where is Skippy now?

claudia said...

Oh my goodness, I was sympathizing with you all the way. I was always uncomfortable with my life in jr high and high school. I never wanted to hang out with many of the kids there.
The church thing with the pot behind the building reminded me of a "church" meeting where they passed a hookah pipe around. I had missed that meeting, I'm thinking I was being watched over and kept safe!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

hummmmmmm thats some BIG stuff some funny stuff and some downright sad stuff.

Sandi McBride said...

I had forgotten how painful childhood was. I tend to focus on the good and shove the bad to the back of the class. They all came rushing forward during the reading of your post, hands up, demanding to be recognized...I think I shoved them all to the back row...I hope so...and oh how I began to hate Skippy...

hanagrace said...

Holy crap! I can't believe some of those things! Some of them reminded me of when I was growing up, but some of them are crazy! Your friend Skippy was quite a gal!!! WOW.

Rick said...

No, no, no, I'm not sharing any one, two, or three juice things about my up bringing. Beside, not swo dramatic as all of yours. It's a wonder you made it out of the teen years alive.