Thursday, February 26, 2009

Classical Pain

Oh my Lord. Do you know what it is like to read Les Miserables with a 16 year old boy?

It. is. torture.

First of all, a ton of the words are french. I did not take french. I took Spanish... I took Spanish while living in Southern California. All I remember is the swear words I picked up from the Cholos (and I so don't know if that is spelled right). We've taken to guttural moaning in a french accent whenever we come upon those words which always makes Double Shot laugh. Well, and me too sometimes. It depends on how many pages were assigned and how late it is.

Twice now I've gotten Mr. Macchiato to do the reading with Double Shot. It is a true testament of his love and devotion to me. Well, and I may or may not have bribed him.

Tonight we read the following:

This manuscript of fifteen pages revealed to her suddenly and sweetly the whole of love, the sorrow, the destiny, the life, the eternity, the beginning, the end. It was like a hand which had opened and thrown suddenly upon her a handful of sunbeams. She felt in these few lines a passionate, ardent, generous, honest nature, a consecrated will, an immense sorrow and a boundless hope, an oppressed heart, a glad ecstasy.

Double Shot: Laughing, laughing... laughing... (then using a bad french accent) Victor Hugo is the love doctor. More laughing.

Me: Shut up. We've got to get through this. (thinking to myself... no wonder he wouldn't read this on his own)

A couple pages later...

"Forgive me, I am here. My heart is bursting, I could not live as I was, I have come. Have you read what I placed there, on this bench? Do you recognize me at all? Do not be afraid of me. It is a long time now, do you remember the day when you looked upon me?...

At night I come here. Do not be afraid, nobody sees me. I come for a near look at your windows. I walk very softly that you may not hear, for perhaps you would be afraid. The other evening I was behind you, you turned around, I fled...

Double Shot: Total stalker dude. He'd totally go to jail today.

Once I heard you sing. I was happy. Does it disturb you that I should hear you sing through the shutter? It can do you no harm. It cannot, can it? See, you are my angel, let me come sometimes; I believe I am going to die. If you but knew! I adore you! Pardon me, I am talking to you, I do not know what I am saying to you, perhaps I annoy you, do I annoy you?"

Double Shot: Laughing... Fureeeak!!!

She took his hand and laid it on her heart. He felt the paper there, and stammered:

"You love me then?"

She answered in a voice so low that it was no more than breath which could scarcely be heard:

"Hush! You know it!"

And she hid her blushing head in the bosom of the proud and intoxicated young man.

Double Shot: What is a bosom? It makes me think of a butt.

Me: It is a person's chest.

Double Shot: I was thinking she shoved the letter down her crack... laughing.

Me: Ugh.

Double Shot: Laughing... so he's all (does a squeezing motion with his hand toward a breast) Say you loooooove me.

Me: Stop.

He fell upon the bench, she by his side. There were no more words. The stars were beginning to shine. How was it that their lips met? How is it that the birds sing, that the snow melts, that the rose opens, that May blooms, that the dawn whitens behind the black trees on the shivering summit of the hills?

One kiss and that was all.

Both trembled, and they looked at each other in the darkness with brilliant eyes.

Double Shot: Big bowl of cheese. Cheesey Cheese Balls.

Me: Keep reading!

From time to time Marius' knee touched Cosette's knee, which gave them both a thrill.

Double Shot: oooooh our knees touched!

Me: Ugh.

At intervals, Cosette faltered out a word. Her soul trembled upon her lips like a drop of dew on a flower.

Double Shot: How is this the abridged version?

Me: Shut up. Keep reading!

Gradually they began to talk. Overflow succeeded to silence, which is fullness. The night was serene and splendid above their heads. These two beings, pure as spirits, told each other all their dreams, their frenzies, their ecstasies, their chimeras, their despondencies, how they had adored each other from afar, how they had longed for each other, their despair when they had ceased to see each other...

When they had finished, when they had told each other everything, she laid her head upon his shoulder, and asked him:

"What is your name?"

"My name is Marius," said he. "And yours?"

"My name is Cosette."

Double Shot: Oh my freaking gosh! Odorous stench of french cheese!

Me: Laughing.

And I don't know what "chimeras" is.


Two Dogs said...

I think that a chimera is a fire-breathing dragon or some kind of mythical creature like that. But, it makes no sense in that context.

That sounds as bad as Moby Dick. I shall read it as my next classic.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

shaking head... you are one tough cookie... my kids woud blow that assignment off... the teachers here now tell them to get cliff notes and of course they do.

I could not read that mess in school and can barely now lmao.

MaBunny said...

Never had to read that classic, but when the Broadway play came around we had to go see it. We ( my bff and I ) took four years of French,lol.)
Not sure I could read that book, no matter how much i love to read!

hanagrace said...

ROFL! I was laughing SO hard! Especially with the boob grabbing motion!!! Good luck with the rest of that wordy book! Thanks for the laughs!!!

SheroSkyKnight said...

A chimera is a creature made up of other creatures, such as a creature that is horse, elephant and dragon, that would be a chimera. Usually they are created by man or some such.

Trisha said...

Oh my! I feel your pain! That is a tough book to read as an adult let alone as a teenage boy! Kudos to you (again) for helping him out!

You asked about if I still see a speech therapist - I sure do. Normally twice a month but once in a while only once a month if her schedule is full. Was the speech therapist you saw experienced with SD patients? I don't know if therapy would help you since you have AD but I would assume it would. As for the massage - My therapist uses it for her AD patients too - it loosens the throat/neck muscles and just helps relax everything. Maybe you should look around for a new speech therapist and give it another shot???

Hey - let's get a group of people together to show those insecurity thugs what's what!

Gladys said...

Coffee Bean sighed and laid her hand on her bosom. "Why, my child should you find such glee in the face of such tragic love?" To which the ill fated Double Shot replies "Mamaw, I am yet a child, nay a mere fledgling in this world. I know not of this thing called love. I know only of my love for all things french fry related."

Coffee Bean reaches her hand out as if to console her child and instead grasps her adult beverage and drinks deeply.

Chris H said...

I'm so glad I wasn't having to listen to all that drivel! Chimera ?... dang I'm gunna have to goggle it now!

claudia said...

1. (often initial capital letter) a mythological, fire-breathing monster, commonly represented with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a serpent's tail.
2. any similarly grotesque monster having disparate parts, esp. as depicted in decorative art.
3. a horrible or unreal creature of the imagination; a vain or idle fancy: He is far different from the chimera your fears have made of him.
4. Genetics. an organism composed of two or more genetically distinct tissues, as an organism that is partly male and partly female, or an artificially produced individual having tissues of several species.

I think it was Number 4!
Sorry I had to look it up and then share.

Karen Deborah said...

CLIFF notes or Blockbuster but actually hearing your kids funny comments kinda makes for a fun evening right? I mean really this is family bonding time isn't it?
would somebody please explain why this is a classic? FREAKIN CHEESY is right! They kissed before they knew each others names? HEEEELLLLLLLOOOO doesn't anybody think this is nuts?

Two Dogs said...

Call me old fashioned, but I ALWAYS kiss a woman before I tell her my name, that way if it is really bad, I can refuse to tell her who I am. So far, it is working like a charm.

Kathy said...

Oh My Word! Thanks for the laugh. And thanks for the extra laughter from your loyal commentors!

ElphabaWickedGal said...

Never made it through the book, but the play was good!
What kind of author writes 10 chapters describing a house? That's how long it is in the unabridged version to describe the priest's house. The scene in the play is two minutes long!!
You have such patience to deal with that boy, lol!