Thursday, January 15, 2009

*sNoRt*

My Mama sent this to me yesterday... It made me laugh so hard I had to post it.

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Chris was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Chris put me on the stair monster.

Why the h*ll would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Chris told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other sh*t, too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY: *sshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b*tch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________

FRIDAY: I hate that b*stard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world! Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Chris wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? ________________________________

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Today is my fur baby's 2nd birthday!!! hApPy bIrThDaY bOoPeR!!!

14 comments:

Flea said...

Cute. :) Where's my ride to church?

Just Me said...

Oh, that was good. I haven't set foot in a health club in years, but I can clearly picture Christo.

Happy Birthday, Booper! I hope mama gives you an extra cookie!

thislittlepiggy said...

BWAHAHA!

If Jay ever even THINKS of giving me such a gift, I'm going to punch his lights out. Snort.

Happy Birthday Booper! :o)

Trisha said...

Okay - that sounds just like I could have written it - if I ever actually did that!

Too funny!

Melody said...

LOL!

Happy Birthday, Booper!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

snort...not in this life baby and my hubby so knows better than to ever complain about my shape... round is a shape right?

Gladys said...

BAHAAAHAAAA! I wrote about my last experience going to the gym here: http://accidentalhousewife.spaces.live.com/default.aspx?_c01_BlogPart=blogentry&_c=BlogPart&handle=cns!83D9B59407F3C62F!119

Yeah I know just how that woman feels!

Junebug said...

Ha ha haaaaaaa. That was funny.

Karen Deborah said...

yep that's about the size of it.

Gladys said...

Hey CB... I awarded you the Honest Scraper Award. Go over to http://gladysspeaks.blogspot.com/2009/01/frag-ill-eee.html and see what's up.

Rick said...

Very funny. A lady in our church thought she was being kind to my wife by offering her membership in a health club. Never do that - it sends so many wrong signals.

MaBunny said...

That's hysterical!

claudia said...

I did laugh out loud at that one!
Happy Birthday Booper!

Chris H said...

HA HA HA. I totally loved it! And it almost reminds me of when I actually DID join the gym.. my instructor's name was Rob and he was a rugby rep player (a big wig)... I hit him when he bothered me too much! He loved it! I don't think he had ever had a middle aged woman smack his ears before! lol