Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Nocturnal Adventures of a Weird Mom

It is after midnight and I am sitting in my office in sweat pants I've worn to bed for the last 5 days and the shirt I wore today... AND I still have my bra on... AND I am wearing my coat. Why? I'm freezing. It wasn't even a cold day but I somehow caught a chill I can't shake. I crawled in bed right after dinner... fully clothed with another coat zipped up to my neck... a fleece coat that is better than the coat I am now wearing but is up in my room. I fell asleep like that only to be woken (is that a word?) awakened? Ripped from the depths of blessed oblivion by my husband rattling around in the room in preparation of his own slumber. I got up, took off my jeans and replaced them with my rancid sweats which I picked up off of the floor, removed my coat, brushed my teeth and downed two Tylenol PM and crawled back in bed. Only when I exited our bathroom I was hit by the foul stench of a recently ripped one the likes of which make your eyes water and your nose hairs erupt into flames. I complained vociferously as Mr. Macchiato sheepishly said he couldn't even smell it anymore. Uh... yeah! That's because it probably seared his nose cavity for the rest of time! Dead cats smell better than that!

Double Shot has a friend sleeping over. Why? It's Christmas break and his sports take up most of his time and he doesn't really get to hang out with his friends that often. AND his Dad said he could even though it is a work night for him and I used that reason the night before to tell Frappy no to a sleep over with one of her friends. WHO IS QUIET. Double Shot and his friend are NOT. I could hear them banging around in the kitchen as I frantically tried to force myself back to sleep. I took Tylenol PM for Pete's sake!!! Pete and whoever came up with the whole sleep over idea need to both be beat.

I thought I might actually get back to sleep when the snoring started. I then thought if I made a wall of pillows between Mr. Macchiato and I and then placed another over my head that the noise would be muffled to a low rumble that might actually lull me back to sleep. No dice. I felt like I was in the den of a hibernating bear. No, scratch that. I can hear him through the vents above me as I type this. The den of a family of grizzlies with sleep apnea might be closer. I wiggled the bed which is a technique I often use to jostle him without waking him which then causes him to roll over without me coming off like a shrew. If he didn't have to work in the morning I'd go shrew all the way and then let him sleep in the morning. It didn't work for but a few minutes and then he was back to sawing those logs. Meanwhile, the boys were downstairs fixing something else to eat and not being quiet about it at all. Mr. Macchiato flopped around before getting up to go tell them to be quiet. He was back to snoring before I could blink three times.

I could feel myself reaching the freak out zone so I decided to try to leave without waking him. Mr. Macchiato doesn't like it when I'm not next to him. It is sweet but... I'm like a worn out teddy bear with one eye missing. I have to be very careful because he almost always wakes up when I try to sneak away. I have to slowly ease out of bed and then stand by the bed for awhile before I quietly make my way to the door. Inevitably he calls my name the second my hand touches the door knob. He always wants to know where I am going and if I'm coming back. Sigh... Tonight was no different. I assured him I'd be back hoping that it was true.

As I stepped into the hall I saw that Frappy's light was still on and decided to go in there. I've taken to sleeping in there if I can't in my own bed. She was reading Harry Potter. I didn't let the kids read those books when they were younger. That was when I also didn't let them watch TV. I crawled in bed with her and she continued to read all the while grumbling that it was weird for me to get in bed with her. I laid there for awhile... first facing the booger wall. When she was younger she would stick boogers on the wall rather than get a tissue. I guess we should have been glad she didn't eat them... and the boogers are long gone and the wall has been painted... but, I couldn't face that wall because it made me think about them. So, I flipped over and looked at the poster across the room. The one she brought home from college of a green girl with her face over the toilet. It says, "Hug your friends, not the toilet." And her tick tock clock tick tocked and made me think of Peter Pan and the Captain yelling, "I'm a cod fish!" None of which was the slightest bit sleep inducing. Frappy said she was going to tell her boyfriend about her freak mom and I told her she could go back to college. She then decided to go downstairs with her book and I felt bad so I decided to come down too.

I started shivering again. I didn't want to go upstairs and risk waking Mr. Macchiato so I got another coat out of the coat closet. Causing Frappy, now on the couch, to roll her eyes. I went to rifle around in the fridge but Double Shot's super spidey senses kicked in and he wandered up to see what I might be fixing and to make sure I made some for him. Uh, no. Besides, after all the holiday goodies I'm ready for some broccoli. However, as I sit here, in the middle of the night, typing my sad tale, and wondering how many commas I can use in one sentence... even though I apparently don't care about grammar at all... proven by the fact that there is a paragraph above that is in need of commas... and I'm obviously in love with dot dot dots... I will, no doubt, be finding my way back up to the fridge in a bit. And not for broccoli. Well, unless we have cheese. Well, no... I don't know what I'll get.

Anyway, that is how I ended up in the office at this very late hour after deciding that I could, at the very least, get a blog post out of this wretched night. And if you are wondering why I am still wearing my bra... it is because we have someone else's kid in our house. And there might be a catastrophe... in which case, I would prefer not to be bra less in the presence of one of my friend's kids. You may think that is ridiculous but it is not. Now... if I still had on my shoes, which I considered, that would be ridiculous.

If I can't sleep I am going to read, Josephus, The Complete Works.

Good Night.

17 comments:

Angela said...

I can't believe how similar our house is,,LOL. I do the bra thing too,,lol. LOL. I on the other hand am NOT as loving as you towards hubby and his snoring. I'm better,,thank You Jesus! I not longer plug his nose, or blush blush, put a pillow over his head, than take it off because I'm scared I will have killed him! I usually grab his face, turn it this way and that, bounce like you do, or push him to his side. He wakes up and says, 'what', I tell him to stop snoring and he says he doesn't snore..YAAAAAA whatever!!

I have gone to bed dressed like that too!! Randy comes to bed and says, 'what the heck do you have one?'.."I'm cold!"

I wake up each morning during these holidays and find DISHES galore in the sink from the boys, (that was an empty sink when I went to bed). The booger wall, I'm thanking God mine weren't eaters either,,LOL.

Done the sleep in the kids bed too when Randy snores. Heard NUMEROUS times how weird I am from the two eldest (Shaneah still thinks I'm amazing,,SIGH)

I love ya girl!! I had a salad yesterday for supper. Oh my goodness,,,I couldn't get over how wonderful it was. The other day I woke up with sausage fingers, and NOT breakfast sausage,,but honking Italian sausage fingers. ALL THE SALT intake I have been eating, the sugar, well it rolled right into my fingers.

((hugs))
P.S. I LOVE dot dot dot....

noexcuses said...

You are cracking me up! I think there are a ton of us out there just like you (but for some reason we can't admit it out loud).

My DH and I both snore, wake each other up, roll over, then go back to snoring. I learned early that when I don't sleep well, I morph into Mamazilla, thrashing and crushing everything in sight. I usually end up in some other room of house... and then wake up all nice and friendly.

Our booger wall is in the master bathroom. Does that tell you anything?

Hope you're over the chills. It's such a waste of your time to feel bad during a school break! :(

(I love dot dot dot, too.....) :)

MaBunny said...

Oh wow. I'm sorry you had a crappy night , but I had to laugh at the booger wall, lol.
Hope you can catch up on some sleep today/tonight.
You took two tylenol PM and still couldn't sleep? I take one and I'm out for the night...

Laura ~Peach~ said...

i so understand... mike is sick... he was coughing and freezing last night so beofre supper was done he was in bed I had to deal with medicare part d enrollment... again. and was on the phone until 130 am est. I am getting this sore throat sore ears cough so hard you need a diaper and new ribs crud too... Thankfully Martha has learned never to bother asking to have someone over... cause it just aint happening... and I LOVE dot dot dot so much more than commas... my typing has improved my grammer has totally fallen apart my teachers would be appaled...

claudia said...

I hope everything is better for you today. I hate sleepless chilly nights. I do not get out of bed though, once I'm there I am there!
Except for the bathroom visits
I love dot, dot dots...I use them quite a bit. And commas, I never knew quite where to stick them!
Happy New Year!

Gladys said...

Oh CB! You poor thing. A couple of years ago I went for 120 days with NO sleep. I would then find myself in a daze sitting at my desk trying to do work. It got to the point where I thought I would loose my mind. I aged 10 years in those 3 months. It was surreal and horrible but I got through it and now I sleep like a baby.

Since we live in earthquake country normally. I go to bed with a camisole with extra hold, some type of PJ pants and I keep hard soled shoes (clogs) next to my bed just in case.

Next time try some warm milk and spray some vanilla scent in your bedroom. Oh and stuff a cork in both ends of Mr. Macchiatto!

Junebug said...

I too had to go sleep in my empty (daughter's) bedroom last night because of husband snoring so loud and long. I was cold all night because I slept on top of the covers with a quilt because I did not want to get the sheets dirty since I had just changed them for the next company. I did not sleep well but more sleep than I would have gotten with the snoring. I hate to leave my bed. It has the best mattress and the best down comforter. But I have to sleep once in a while several hours straight through without waking to snoring and strange movements from someone else. I also know the feeling of children cooking things in the kitchen at 3 am. Or doing their laundry! Have mercy...

Melody said...

I couldn't sleep with my bra on either! Be daring! Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your....nevermind, sorry.

I hope that you get feeling better soon. I have been sick since Christmas and it STINKS! It probably all came about because of eating too many goodies and not enough broccoli.

I LOVE Harry Potter, if that makes you feel any better. In fact, you'd be doing yourself a favor to read one of them yourself. You'd feel much better about them. I was worried about my kiddos reading them, so I read one and was hooked. They really are classics.

Just Me said...

Forgive me for laughing, but with the exception of young-adult children, I can completely sympathize (empathize?) with your night, from the flatulence to the overnight bra for the houseguests.

The chill, by the way, is from fatigue. When I'm slogging through an all-nighter transcript, "the chill" hits me in the wee hours and won't leave, even when I finally crawl into bed and climb up The Oracle's spine for warmth. It's funny, because I am usually the one flinging off the blankets because I'm hot.

Yesterday I ate the last holiday cookie, and I silently cheered until I remembered that we're having Christmas II at my dad's this weekend, where I am not permitted to show up without cookies and roasted almonds in hand.

Then there's this need to satiate a week-long craving for pound cake that I can no longer ignore.

It's going to be a fat new year.

Coffee Bean said...

Hey Melody!

I read the Harry Potter books... along with most of the other books that many Christians have a problem with. The thing I never understood is that Lord of the Rings and the Chronicles of Narnia were seen as acceptable even though they contained many of the same sort of characters... Nonetheless, we did not allow the kids to read them but now that they are older than can read whatever they want.

Melody said...

I'm glad that you've read them. Life wouldn't be the same without the Weasley's; they are my favorite! And maybe someday I'll be as patient as Dumbledore.

Roland Hulme said...

That was a really cute post!

Flea said...

I don't know why you didn't just start reading Leviticus. Sounds like you're coming down with something, too. And my Hunny does the same thing if I leave the bed. it's gotten where I just tell him I'm leaving. Settles it.

Hope you got a long nap today and kicked all of the kids out of the house. We had a friend sneak in this morning at seven, and the middle child decide to sleep at a friend's tonight at the last minute. I love break! Just send them away!

Karen Deborah said...

sounds like your getting sick. Take a hot shower! Your sleep scenario is why we have our own rooms. I love my bedroom. I need space. pa hated it at first but now he wouldn't share a room in a million years. It's fun to go visiting....not for everybody but works for us.

His Living Sacrifice said...

Hope this comment finds you feeling better and bra less :-) I'm sure you'll sleep better tonight. Did the tylenol pm's finally catch up with you?

My teen has friends over alot too during the holidays and I also have the Step Kids here.

Alison said...

I hope you finally got some sleep...I also like the dot, dot, dot...and I would also wear a bra if we had overnight guests!!!

Just Me said...

Forgot to mention that I like the thumbnail photo of Booper. It really shows that happy retriever personality.