Saturday, December 6, 2008

Never Alone

I love music even though I can no longer sing and I do not know how to play any instruments. I listen to all kinds of different music depending upon my mood. This song is one of my favorites. Honestly, I could have written it... it is that close to how I feel. DC Talk's I Wanna Be in the Light is another one that so perfectly captures the desire of my heart. I wanted to share this because the holiday season often brings with it introspection of a spiritual nature for some.

It seems to me that many Christians experience their faith in differing ways. I am very cautious of the emotional and very mistrustful of feeling. I want things to make sense. I want proof... I've known many Christians that talk of God speaking to them. I've heard so many times about someone praying for peace and receiving it. That is not my reality. I spent so many years trying to be a good Christian. I did my best to do and say the things that I believed would make me better but I could never live up to my own expectations. I struggle to accept the true concept of grace, even now.

These past 10 1/2 months have been the most difficult of my life to this point. The pain of having a child walk away from our family was unreal. It caused me to re-evaluate nearly every choice I/we've ever made. In the beginning it felt as though we'd been abandoned by, not only our daughter, but by some of our friends, our church, and yes, even God. There were days when I was all alone in the house, especially in the beginning, where I just didn't think I could survive it. Previous to all of this I saw The Church as being where we went to worship each week. I now understand that The Church in our lives is not limited to a building, a denomination, or a location. The Church did not abandon us. Our true friends did not abandon us. And God did not abandon us. I cannot tell you how much the understanding, love and support that has come from you fellow bloggers has meant. I am ever so grateful.

Chai Tea is going to church with us this evening. It will be the first time since she left in January. She was very involved at church and she is fearful of what she'll experience when she walks through those doors. I understand. Walking through the doors of a church to attend a pre-marital course while obviously pregnant with her was one of the hardest and humbling things I've done. But, I'm glad I did.

Not long ago I mentioned in a post that we've given up all illusion of being a good Christian family and that we are just people that believe in Jesus. It seemed to strike a chord and I got several private e-mails that both touched me and broke my heart. I spent many years sitting in church wondering what was wrong with me. I thought everyone else had it together. I wanted to have a close personal relationship with Jesus. But, what does that mean exactly? Whatever I thought it meant... I didn't have it. I've had to walk away from those expectations I had in my mind of what that meant. I just believe. And that is enough.

11 comments:

Angela said...

I'm adding this song to my playlist. "I'll trust the unseen". This is what I MUST do right now Bean. I don't understand why my family and I are where we are right now, I don't understand why He hasn't answered our cries, I don't understand why the doors that are 'opened' unto our family is NOT evident to my eyes right now. I JUST don't understand. So I will continue to trust in the unseen. I CLING to Him because I'm lost if I don't. I'm back, had to get a kleenex.Your post touched my heart greatly. ((hugs))

Junebug said...

Beautiful!

Rick said...

Hey Bean-O,

Thanks for the "heads up" on this post. Very touching. Very true.


John 6.68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.

MaBunny said...

Very beautifully put Coffee !
I truly believe where we are 'supposed' to be with God is different for everyone, as are the definitions you will get when you ask that question. If you are a Christian, and believe in God, thats all that he asks. How you interpret the rest is up to you and only YOU.
Small prayer will be said tonight that all goes well with Chai Tea going to Church with you:)
/hugz

His Living Sacrifice said...

I pray that Chai Tea was met with open arms in church tonight. I can somewhat relate to your pain. My Stepdaughter who lived with us, left the middle of her Senior year to go back to live with her Mom. After she left, while living with her Mom, she made very bad decisions. She dropped out of high school, lived with more than one guy, and is now living with a her "baby's Daddy". Yep, she had a baby who is now almost 1 year old, I am now a Grandma (yikes). I beat myself up at times with the "what ifs", what if she had stayed with us, what if...

Love and hugs from a sister in Christ,

Brenda said...

Praying the coming year is a year of healing and new closeness for you and your daughter.

Just Me said...

I hope your evening with Chai Tea went well, and I hope the message was just what everyone needed to hear.

Karen Deborah said...

God's arm is not too short. He is working and you are growing.

Gladys said...

It took me a long time to understand that I was a spiritual person more than I was a religous dinner.

jojo said...

"I just believe and that is enough." That line just knocked me over...it is enough. Thank you for reminding me ;)

noexcuses said...

This post, like so many of yours, is just what I needed to read. Thank you for your honesty and courage.

I'm praying that your relationship with your daughter grows closer every day. You love her, you let her go, and she came back.

Sometimes it is so hard to be content thinking "I'm where he wants me to be, right now," when we desperately want to be someplace else. Angela's comment about trusting in the unseen, is a really good reminder for us all. We all just need to hang in there...and in his time, it will be okay.

Thank you, and God Bless you.