I love music even though I can no longer sing and I do not know how to play any instruments. I listen to all kinds of different music depending upon my mood. This song is one of my favorites. Honestly, I could have written it... it is that close to how I feel. DC Talk's I Wanna Be in the Light is another one that so perfectly captures the desire of my heart. I wanted to share this because the holiday season often brings with it introspection of a spiritual nature for some.
It seems to me that many Christians experience their faith in differing ways. I am very cautious of the emotional and very mistrustful of feeling. I want things to make sense. I want proof... I've known many Christians that talk of God speaking to them. I've heard so many times about someone praying for peace and receiving it. That is not my reality. I spent so many years trying to be a good Christian. I did my best to do and say the things that I believed would make me better but I could never live up to my own expectations. I struggle to accept the true concept of grace, even now.
These past 10 1/2 months have been the most difficult of my life to this point. The pain of having a child walk away from our family was unreal. It caused me to re-evaluate nearly every choice I/we've ever made. In the beginning it felt as though we'd been abandoned by, not only our daughter, but by some of our friends, our church, and yes, even God. There were days when I was all alone in the house, especially in the beginning, where I just didn't think I could survive it. Previous to all of this I saw The Church as being where we went to worship each week. I now understand that The Church in our lives is not limited to a building, a denomination, or a location. The Church did not abandon us. Our true friends did not abandon us. And God did not abandon us. I cannot tell you how much the understanding, love and support that has come from you fellow bloggers has meant. I am ever so grateful.
Chai Tea is going to church with us this evening. It will be the first time since she left in January. She was very involved at church and she is fearful of what she'll experience when she walks through those doors. I understand. Walking through the doors of a church to attend a pre-marital course while obviously pregnant with her was one of the hardest and humbling things I've done. But, I'm glad I did.
Not long ago I mentioned in a post that we've given up all illusion of being a good Christian family and that we are just people that believe in Jesus. It seemed to strike a chord and I got several private e-mails that both touched me and broke my heart. I spent many years sitting in church wondering what was wrong with me. I thought everyone else had it together. I wanted to have a close personal relationship with Jesus. But, what does that mean exactly? Whatever I thought it meant... I didn't have it. I've had to walk away from those expectations I had in my mind of what that meant. I just believe. And that is enough.