Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Why You Should Never Do These Things

10. Forget to set your parking brake...

I once lost my car in a parking garage because it had rolled all the way over to a wall from the middle of the garage. Amazingly, it did not hit any other cars.

9. Shave between your eyebrows...

I inherited a unibrow from Dear Old Dad. One time I was in a bit of a hurry and noticed my eyebrows had gone wild again... uh, yeah. It's a bit too easy to go too far.

8. Teach you children the proper names for certain body parts...

I felt that it was important to teach my children the proper names for all their body parts from the get go. None of that silly stuff or embarrassment in our house! Well... we were in a very large bank with vaulted ceilings that had to be 2o ft. high or so. We were closing our account because we were moving from California to Mississippi and there were no Wells Fargos there. The bank happened to have a little play area for small children that we could see from the line so we sent Double Shot over there. He had just had his fourth birthday and there were a couple of other children there around his age. Double Shot picked up a truck that the other little boy decided he wanted and so he grabbed it away and in the process must have bumped Double Shot "down there" because he started hollering, "He touched my penis! He touched my penis!" From that day forward to this very day we say any odd combination of words we can think of when referring to certain body parts... ta ta's, hoo hoo's, willa donkers, woimple froimps, etc.

7. Catch a softball with your thighs...

When I was in high school I got stuck out in right field playing softball in CO-ED P.E. Yes, I sucked. Well, a ball actually came my way and fell right into my glove... or so I was in the position for it to do so... I actually caught the ball between my thighs and suffered through stupid teen boy references to it the remainder of my high school days.

6. Let bikini wax grow cold...

Umm... yeah. So... we were going to go on vacation in a couple of days and I thought I'd try it. The girls were babies and we had been at a BBQ at a friend's house nearby. I took the girls home for their naps while Mr. Macchiato stayed at the party and thought it would be a good time to take care of that business. Well.... THAT HURTS so I couldn't exactly... well, finish the job. Mr. Macchiato came home and I was in tears. He was more than glad to help me out. He says that I flopped around on the floor like a fish out of water while screaming but I don't remember that. I do believe my soul was momentarily separated from my body and sent to the very depths of hell. Just the mention of it puts a twinkle in Mr. Macchiato's eye as peals of laughter erupt from deep within him and ring through the air.

5. Refuse a pre-delivery enema...

Yeah... Nuff said about that one.

4. Try on foundation undergarments a size too small in a Wal-Mart dressing room...

So... my brother was getting married and I wanted to look, you know, smaller. I headed off to Wal-mart because I didn't want to spend a lot of money on something like that. I picked out several differing varieties and headed for the dressing rooms. I'm not particularly fond of being in small places and especially not small places with gigantic mirrors. I stripped down and put on this... thing. Oh... it held things in all right... it held things in and then squished it all right out the top. Cleavage up to the chin is not exactly my idea of sexy. Not that I was going for sexy... I needed to get out of it right away. My head was pounding and I started to sweat. I felt like the time my Mom bought me toe socks for Christmas and I freaked out and couldn't even pull them off my feet myself. I can't describe it really... it is a panicky feeling mixed in with nausea mixed in with crazy. Only Mom wasn't in the Wal-Mart dressing room to help me out! I could hear people all around outside and when I finally got it off, it shot like a sling shot across the dressing room.

Well, you'd think that would be enough for me. No. I bought one a couple sizes bigger that I could get in and out of easily. It actually looked like a little black dress. I wore it under my dress to the rehearsal lunch. As my Mom and I were walking out to her car afterwards I caught my reflection in the car windows. That little thing had worked its way up when I was walking, bunching up all around my waist and you could see it as the wind pressed my dress up against my body. I tried to work it back down right there in the parking lot and then saw one of my brother's super good looking friends and his wife looking over at me in horror as they walked back to their car.

I still have that thing. It is in a drawer with many other things of its kind. I only open that drawer once a year, you know, during holiday party time. And then I slam it shut.

3. Not drink anything when out and about to avoid having to use a public restroom...

I have an aversion to public restrooms. I hate them. They are disgusting. I have gone to great lengths in my life to avoid them. My mother always taught me to lay strips of toilet paper across the seat (back in the day they didn't have toilet seat covers) but they would invariably slide into the toilet or off onto the floor before I could sit on them. She also taught me "the hover." The stress of trying to sit on the toilet paper while not breathing and then hovering because the toilet paper fell would cause me to have performance anxiety. Then there was the whole washing of hands without actually touching anything. So... I began a habit of not drinking anything if I was going to be out and about.

Of course, this little habit didn't always work. There was the time I was standing in line at the grocery store with my back teeth floating and a rotten little brat of a kid hit me with his mother's cart... yeah, there was leakage.

And then there was the time I was on an airplane and hoping I could make it to the airport to go... but, was forced to use the air plane potty... in which I didn't even have time to waste with seat covers and was just going to do "the hover" when we hit a bit of turbulence which caused me to sit on the the toilet... the toilet that had been sprayed by the big giant man that had been in there before me... the man that I had to go find afterwards, which I did. And I stood there staring at him... trying to determine if I should go see a doctor once the plane landed before going back to my seat.

I've got dozens of stories. Dozens.

Now listen to me... Do NOT stop drinking just to avoid public restrooms. Why? A year and a half ago I got a kidney stone. People, they are so right about it hurting worse than labor. It hurts so bad that you scream and cry no matter who is looking at you. It took me 5 days to pass that $!@#&... 3 trips to the ER, an ambulance ride, and an admission to the hospital.

2. Momentarily forget you are lactose intolerant while on a road trip...

I am the self proclaimed Bubba of Pumpkin. I love me some pumpkin! Pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin pie, pumpkin pudding, pumpkin soup, pumpkin mousse, pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin cookies, and... pumpkin ice cream. Several years ago we had gone back to Mississippi for Thanksgiving. We drove. Well, on the way home we stopped at a gas station in New Mexico that had a Dairy Queen inside. They had a big cardboard sign right by the door that advertised their very special pumpkin blizzard. We all got a little sumpthin and loaded back up into the car. I thoroughly enjoyed that blizzard. On my very last bite I felt a little... pain. (cue pshycho music) I looked over at Mr. Macchiato and when he saw my eyes bugging out he looked at the empty blizzard cup and we both said, "OH NO!" We totally forgot about my little ice cream problem. At home I've got lots of lactaid... and my own bathrooms... so I still eat it. But, we were stuck in the car in the middle of NOWHERE! We did make it to a Texaco. Just barely. We hung out there for quite some time. Let's just say, "What happens in Texaco, stays in Texaco."

1. Leave a bunch of bleach in the toilet...

Because, well, your darling husband might go in there for a little sit down... and not know the bleach is in there... and well, you might just be walking into the room when you see your darling husband fling himself out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles... coughing and sputtering... because, well, certain compounds, when mixed... create a chemical reaction that can be... well, deadly. And this is why Mr. Macchiato will not increase his life insurance.

17 comments:

Just Me said...

Oh, no. Oh no oh no oh no...

Kathy said...

Just too funny! Esp the bikini wax, never have done, I am too wimpy. Remember 'Epilady' The device that ripped unwanted hair from body parts?

Roland Hulme said...

"What happens in Texaco, stays in Texaco."

HILARIOUS!

Karen Deborah said...

funny funny funny, better than my imagination. you must have an entire league of gaurdian angels

Laura ~Peach~ said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I have never tried bikini wax and this just affirms why I wont LOL

anf the ever famous hover... and whats happens in texaco stays in texaco LOLOLOl wonderful stuff I knew it would be :D

I tried to text you but I think i may have sent it to the wrong number last night...
message said... GUESS WHAT? Cory and Stephanie are pregnant :D

Tonjia said...

oh these are just too hysterical, and too true!LOLOL

thank you for the smile today...

Brenda said...

You are so brave to tell these stories on yourself. I prefer pretending everything is fine, has been fine, always will be fine.

AmusedMomma said...

Even though I have heard these before, you are such an accomplished writer and story-teller that I laughed myself sick and actually spewed things onto the computer screen...

Oh, but I needed that laughter!

Flea said...

That last one - hahahahahahah!!!!!

My husband was lactose intolerant for several years. He ate a ton of yogurt and popped acidophilus pills like they were candy. Voila! Now he dairy with no problem!

AmusedMomma said...

Man, I gotta get my eyes checked cuz I thought Flea said her husband "pooped" the pills!

Coffee Bean said...

Kathy! Why, yes I sure do remember the Epilady. I just had to have one! We paid $70 for that sucker and I used it on half of one leg. Years later I put it in a garage sale for $1 and still no one wanted it.

pumpkin spice latte's, pumpkin scones, pumpkin pancakes...

Mabunny said...

ummm, WOw, ROFLMAO

Junebug said...

I have gotten stuck in a jumper dress that did not have a zipper. It was made of cordoroy and the top was fairly tight. I could get it on easily but it was so hard to get off that I panicked and got very sweaty and hot and scared. I almost got the scissors and cut it off.

I had a kidney stone that I passed about five years ago. It was on Christmas and everyone was gone. I thought that I might die! 2 trips to the emergency room. Much more painful than childbirth.

The bleach! It made me laugh hysterically! Yes, I have left bleach in the toilet before. I don't know if anyone knew it but it did get used by someone. And flushed after. I didn't hear any complaining but it must have been noticed.

The Chemist said...

I remember reading this story about a woman with a rat problem not knowing what to do. Her neighbor told her to mix a bucket of bleach and vinegar and that would take care of her problem.

She did exactly what her neighbor told her, except the neighbor didn't tell her to leave the house. Fortunately the neighbor came over to check how it was going and found her unconscious just in time.

I don't recommend that method of pest control by the way. There's a good chance you'll rust every piece of metal in your home.

claudia said...

I am laughing with you....they are funny now, I know they weren't when they were going on. I didn't know about the bleach in the toilet thing...call me naive!

Trisha said...

Hee hee hee! You have me laughing at how TRUE all of your Don'ts are! I agree with you 100% about everything!

Sheri said...

Never tried the bikini wax . . . I will PAY a professional to put me in pain!

Love, love, love the What happens in Texaco . . . I'm also lactose intolerant, but no way am I putting in cyberland my story. You can email me at slwilco at embarqmail dot com if you want my worst moment!!!