Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My Mother-in-Law

I just got off of the phone with my Mother-in-Law so I now have something to blog about today!

First of all, I should give y'all a little background info. She was quite wild during Mr. Macchiato's growing up years. In fact, I like to tell the joke that Mr. Macchiato's act of rebellion was to become a church going Republican accountant.

I first met her the day Mr. Macchiato got baptized. At that time in her life she claimed to be an atheist and I can still recall some of her arguments as to why she stopped believing. She came back round.

She LOVED going to rock concerts and had zillions of t-shirts from all of the ones she'd been to. She still loves music videos and talking about music. Movies too.

She LOVES dogs. Now, I love dogs too but in a persnickety way. I cannot stand dog hair on stuff or the smell of a wet dog. I do not allow my dogs on our furniture. In fact, I don't even like them lying on the carpet. If they are going to nap it has to NOT be on the carpet or they have to go in their crates. I do not allow my dogs to lick my face... ever. That is gross! I also wash my hands after I pet them. My mother-in-law lets her dog sleep in her bed, let's him take treats that she holds in her mouth, would never ever in a million years make her dog go into a crate unless they are going on a plane, and takes her dog absolutely everywhere she can... as well as sometimes taking him where she shouldn't. Leash laws? Forget about it!

My Mother-in-Law is all about comfort. Bras? They're for church. And it just might come off before you get out of the parking lot. She was visiting us years ago for Chai Tea's 7th birthday and had gone to read to her class. Afterwards we took Double Shot and Frappy's kindergarten teacher's baby to Costco. My Mother-in-Law's knees were bothering her so she wanted to wait in the car with the boys. It was hot so I did what I needed to do as quickly as possible. As I was walking toward the car I could see that she had gotten the baby out of his car seat and was holding him up front. To me... it looked like she was naked. I rushed toward them and whipped open the door. She was wearing a nude colored bra and her sweater was laying on the seat. I hollered at her wanting to know what on earth she was doing. She just looked up at me like it was obvious and said, "I was hot." (Now, so you know, I was raised by the woman who told me to sleep with a bra on so my boobs don't droop. In fact, one of my cousins told me not long ago that she has followed my mother's advice and attributes her perkiness, even after 4 children, to that advice) I yelled at her to get her shirt back on!

My Mother-in-Law used to just sleep in the concert t-shirt she wore during the day and her underwear. She's got some pretty cute jammies these days but I think she just wears them when it is cold. When we were living in Mississippi... a.k.a. the land where you don't go to your mailbox without lipstick... I got up one morning when she was visiting and couldn't find her. I looked out of our front windows to see that she had gone outside with her dog... and was at the end of our driveway retrieving our newspaper... in a concert t-shirt and her underwear... in fact, the moment I laid eyes on her was as she was bending over to pick the paper up.

Another time she was visiting us in Mississippi we took her dog out to the Ross Barnett Reservoir which was really close to our house. We went to a particular park that had a wall at the water's edge and where the water was about 3-4 feet deep. Her dog had a great time in the water but he could not get out. She was wearing white spandex shorts with a white spandex camisole under a big blouse. She took off the blouse along with her socks and shoes and hopped down into the water to help him. She is only 5 ft tall. Her dog started flipping out and it was quite a struggle. Some teenage boys came round to give her a hand and got themselves an eye full as her clothes had become completely transparent. She may as well have been naked. One of those boys eyes got so big and he about broke his arm trying to get the attention of the other two boys from the dog and onto my mother-in-law. It was quite a scene with everyone in the park looking our way. That boy's face and the looks on the other boys' faces as they looked at this crazy woman trying to get her dog out of the water just about did me in forever. I was laughing so hard I almost wet myself. In fact, by the time we got to the car I was suffering from oxygen deprivation and could hardly get the door open. When we got home our Mississippi born and bred pastor was at the house which made me laugh even harder.

So... I was on the phone with her a bit ago. She was on her cell phone at a lake with her dog. Frappy admitted to me yesterday that she'd gotten drunk and threw up. We are distressed but we were careful not to freak out. Gotta keep those lines of communication open ya know. But... I did tell the Grandmas. My Mother-in-Law has got the lecturing thing DOWN. Frappy will be getting an e-mail, a letter in the mail (most likely complete with articles snipped from magazines or printed off the Internet in a HUGE envelope) and many calls. He He!!!

Anyway, my Mother-in-Law attended the rally for John McCain and Sarah Palin in Youngstown yesterday. She has terrible trouble with her knees and back and is in excruciating pain much of the time. She went with a friend and they decided to take a wheelchair... which was a good thing because they had to wait four hours. Because she was in a wheelchair they put her right up front. She actually sat on the floor most of the time but at the end she stood up because she saw John McCain coming her way. When he shook her hand she told him, "I love you!" and then burst into tears. She then shook Cindy McCain's and Todd Palin's hands and got Sarah Palin to sign her ticket. She is positively over the moon.

She said the following to me which is just cracking me up, "Todd Palin is a total babe! Oh my God! He is gorgeous!" and... "This was so much better than all the times I saw Mick Jagger!"

Gotta love it!

17 comments:

Two Dogs said...

The funniest part of this whole post to me is your comment about not going to the mailbox without lipstick down here. Your MIL seems like a noodle-head, but your comment is so right.

My grandmother, all 88 years of her, will not mow the grass without "putting her face on." Insanity.

Flea said...

I love your MIL! She's so much better than mine! Can I have her? I LOVE that she went to the curb with the dog, in her undies. Fantastic.

Brenda said...

LOL! That's what you call a character.

Patsy said...

p.s.

Gotta love MIL!!

Karen Deborah said...

Better too loose than too tight.
how funny if I ever get demented that'll be me.(you know more than now)

Elysa said...

Better than Mick Jagger, huh? That woman needs to post on your political blog! LOL!

Mabunny said...

YOur MIL sounds like a hoot!

Chris H said...

I reckon I would LOVE your mother-in-law! She sounds like a real dag!

Natalie said...

THAT'S the kind of mil and grandmother that I want to be!
Mr Machiato must be the oldest child and his mom had him young 'cause I think that we are the same age and I could NEVER in my wildest dreams imagine my mom or my mil being that comfortable with themselves.

Just Me said...

Your MIL sounds like a fun, fun lady.

My stepmom is much like that. She isn't absently exposing herself to people, but she has this wonderful air of not giving a piddle about stuff that shouldn't matter.

Stepmom is the type who will comment -- while her feet are in the stirrups -- "this would be much nicer with softer lighting and a little music."

claudia said...

Your MIL and I would get along really well I think. I love that "free spirit"!

Trisha said...

Too funny! Isn't it funny how we seem to end up with in-laws that are so different from our family? It must be some law of nature or something!

I feel for Frappy - she is going to get the full treatment, isn't she? Silly girl!

Roland Hulme said...

Don't be too hard on Frappy. We were all young once. An experience like that is normally formative and she'll be a lot more sensible with alcohol in the future. It's the ones who DON'T throw up that get into trouble.

Parents sometimes forget that they might not have always been staid and sensible. I remember my father, the stuffy and law-abiding accountant who disapproved of shennanigans - telling me about a car chase he had with a police car when he was in his youth, back in the 1950s. He was pulled over by a polieman and when the cop got out of his car, my Dad zoomed off in his little sports car!

Cheffie-Mom said...

I am rolling! What a fun and hilarious woman! And what a well written story! LOL!

Accidental housewife said...

I love your MIL story! My MIL jus thinks Jimmy Carter is the second coming and doesn't understand why he hasn't been made a saint. I love her anyway.:) Have fun at your WOF conference.

Angela said...

"To me... it looked like she was naked. I rushed toward them and whipped open the door. She was wearing a nude colored bra and her sweater was laying on the seat. I hollered at her wanting to know what on earth she was doing."

I have tears rolling down my face and snorting like a pig and I'm bent over as I'm typing this because I'm laughing so hard! I couldn't even finish reading the whole darn post ..LOL...

Angela said...

Here is where it all began...LOL. I guess I have made it to the end and can now just start following your current entries..LOL...

Yepper, read your whole blog woman! Ok,,shower now!