Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Do it Anyway

I've loved this song from the moment I first heard it... but at the same time it hurt to listen to it. When Martina McBride gets to the line about singing anyway I am always reminded that this is an impossibility for me. I never was a good singer but I did thoroughly enjoy myself when singing along to the radio or CD's when I was alone and along with everyone else at church. Now, I can't even sing Happy Birthday to my kids before they blow out their candles. They say you don't realize what you've got until it's gone. How true that is.

I have had a really hard time going to church for the last several months. I've gone anyway, although I have missed more than I ever have before. Worship has been so painful for me for the last several years. Not only can't I sing along with everyone else, but a lot of the time I get some sort of interference in my ear that is always annoying and sometimes painful. I have to plug my ears just to listen. It is as if all I've lost is thrust before me and it hurts.

I used to be involved in a ministry to inner city/homeless children. I used to teach Sunday School. I used to do a lot of things... In my lowest moments I feel rejected by God... I just don't understand.

This last Sunday I worked in the sound booth at church. I just put the words to the songs up on the screens. It is pretty easy but a lot more complicated than I thought at the same time. You really have to pay attention to the songs. It was the first time in a very long time that I felt like I was a participant in the corporate worship of our church... and it felt good.

I've been thinking about this song a lot. I might not be able to sing out loud... but my heart...my soul... is singing anyway.


Laura ~Peach~ said...

keep singing inside and out... I was thinking back to a few years ago I had a pollup on my vocal cord and after surgery to remove it I was not to speak for a week... everyone teased me because well I tend to talk alot once I get started. It is hard to imagine the frustration you face daily with wanting to speak or sing and the brain saying ok here it is and the body not cooperating...Hugs to you and prayers too cause miracles do still happen :-)
love n hugs

Mabunny said...

I love that song... it can be taken in two different meanings depending on which mood you are in when you listen to it. Most of the time I take it as a song of hope. Your heart is singing and that is all that really matters. God know you are sturggling, and he is trying to help you. /hugz to you for a great day.

Brenda said...

I LOVE this song. I have it on iTunes and I used to play it nice and loud in the mornings for my boys. At first the youngest would say "I hate this song." After awhile I'd catch him singing along. So it is really meaningfor to me. I'm sure it is so hard not to be able to sing anymore. Leave it to you to find a wonderful away around it. I'm so glad you did.

MUD said...

I can not imagine being a singer trapped in a body with SD. I sing at the drop of a hat. I love to hear new songs and to sing along. I wonder if there is an extreme at the other end of this spectrum where some of us need to "Just Shut up"? Oh well, I'll do my best to sing on key but I'll sing it anyway. MUD

Pioneering in PA said...

I'm sure that you are doing what you can with what you were given.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it?

Trisha said...

I completely understand what you feel about not being able to sing. Before SD I loved singing - in fact, I would drive poor Hubby crazy singing around the house (usually accompanied by some really weird dance moves) while doing dishes or cooking. I would sing in the car, at school, everywhere.

Then SD struck. It was very hard for me to deal with the fact that I couldn't sing. I couldn't even hum! What I did find out I could do was whistle. So - I began whistling. Pre-SD I wasn't such a good whistler - now I rock! While I don't suggest whistling in church - the old women look at you weird - try it out around the house. It isn't singing but it still lets you have some musical expression.

Maybe God is pushing you into trying new things -like working the sound booth. Don't think for a minute He has forgotten you - he has a plan. It might seem like a really horrible plan right now but - it is His plan so . . . be patient. I know that is hard!

Kathy said...

Good morning Kelly!
I have been away from the computer for a few days and just read through your last several posts. Your honest and beautiful writing is an inspiration. Do you realize what a gift you have? This gift of yours can reach folks around the world!

I was thinking perhaps you could video tape the muddy footed dogs and coffee bean ritual to share with us. I couldn't stop laughing as I read the post. It just might make it to Funniest Home Video status!

Enjoy the day, my bloggy friend!

Karen Deborah said...

awhhh honey, your soul can sing. God is giving your heart a special place for those who can't communicate vocally. HE will not waste this. Don't give up hope your voice may come back. God hears yur heart, your thoughts, and he understands the frustration. We don't know why, we just know that is faithful. Suffering is a mystery that cannot be explained. Love you....

Terry said...

Hi Coffee Bean...I saw you resting in Deborah's Manitoba Garden and just really came to say Hi to you.
I have never heard this song and it IS hard to listen to, without your eyes filling with tears.
I have been one always, that listens to the words in a song, every last one of them and this one has a powerful message.
I am glad that you put it in here.

After listening to your song, I could not help but read your "Twenty Years Ago" Post and how moving was IT!
I have rarely heard Mom Golden crying but one time I did go there and catch her crying and I asked her, "What's the matter Mom?"
"Well she answered, "I always got so physically tired looking after all the kids and thought that the quiet would be good, but now I am here alone and I feel so sad!"
Well the Lord stepped in here Coffee Bean. My one sister who was unmarried found out that she was expecting and she told Mom and Dad Golden.
"You are going to move in with us." both my parents told her.
I must tell you Coffee Bean that that child Darrell Michael Landon proved to be a big blessing to Mom and Dad Golden, the two years that Sandra and he lived there.
You see Sandra didn't have a steady boyfriend. It was someone that she met and she only went out with him once and so the story goes!
I think that your parents loved you dearly Coffee Bean and they must be so happy for you now!
Just imagine it took a little babe and the Lord to give to you this happiness!
God bless you and as time permits, you will see me here again....From Terry

PS That was 25 years ago and my sister is still not married. That boy Darrell was her whole life.
Darrell went to Sunday School when he lived here in Welland and he was saved at the age of eight.
The day that he got saved he told Grampa Golden and he asked him, 'Are you saved Grampa 'cause I want you be in heaven."
To this day Dad Golden is not saved, I think, but there are so many people praying for him.
Sandra is not saved either.

Flea said...

I've always marveled at my grandmother, a reader and artist, who was hit with Macular years ago, before there was any real treatment for it. It's been painful for her, not seeing, but she's gone from being fairly isolated to surrounded by loved one. People come to read to her, to describe things to her. To be her eyes.

Not that anyone can be your voice, really, but just your participating in a different way is worship is fantastic. Have you considered taking up the harmonica? :)

Patsy Clairmont said...

my blogging friend my heart aches for your struggle. May He who placed every star in the heaven's help you find your "new" places. He redeems our losses and I can't wait to hear all the ways he opens up communications for you. Obviously he is using your written words and now He is using your servant's heart in worship..what next? Make sure you tell us it helps us find our way.
Bless you.