Monday, April 14, 2008

Just So

I don't know about you, but sometimes I get in a place where all that is wrong with my life is before me and I can't seem to see around it all to even begin to push past it. Sometimes, things that I see as being wrong really aren't even that big of a deal. I struggle with wanting things to be just so. I'm not talking about the things around me (although, that would be nice... especially if I weren't the one trying to get them just so... maid! anyone?). I'm talking about the relationships around me... family, friends, even the pets. How often do I look to others to determine where I am at in my life and how I feel about it? Too often, I'm afraid.

Do you ever get tired of thinking about stuff? I do. I would not call myself a brooder. I don't think I appear that way to others. But, actually, I probably really am. I don't always talk about what I am thinking about but it is there, in the back of my mind, churning.

I want answers. But, I don't get them.

Sometimes I stop everything. And I wait. I think if everything comes to a halt the answers will come. They don't.

Sometimes, so much in my life seems like meaningless toil. But, it isn't. Is it? There is a certain comfort in moving through a routine. There is a certain comfort in just doing. No thinking. Just getting whatever done.

The stopping and waiting is like depression. The moving... the doing... is surviving. Finding moments of joy and laughter in the midst of it all is living.

I want to live. I can't wait for everything to be just so.

15 comments:

Flea said...

Can life ever be "just so"? I'm reading Reflections on the Psalms, by C.S. Lewis, and I'm thinking "just so" isn't a reality. Only for compulsive people who don't know how to live. Or can't. Life happens. Crap happens. God's in the middle of it all.

That whole tapestry analogy, where we only see the ugly underside, but God sees the top, pretty side? We keep trying to make our side pretty. Ugh. But sometimes He shows us the pretty side, like a seamstress who turns her work over to see the back, and others get a glimpse of the front in the doing. Enough to remember what it looks like and keep us going.

That said, Rejoice in the Lord always! Again I say it - rejoice! You know. You're the one who encourages us. In the middle of it all, you encourage us. Thank you for that. :)

Brenda said...

I think my life is so busy right now I hardly have time to think. Just keep it all straight! I think if things were ever just so I would be so shocked! I think there is more satifaction in learning to be content with things as they are. This is the day God has given me. The here and now is from His hands.

MUD said...

Where does all this blaming god come from? I tell ya that we get what we get because of what we do. If you are in a hole, quit digging. If you are in a rut move or you will get run over. Rejoice hell, Party! Party! Party! MUD

Coffee Bean said...

I like you MUD. I always appreciate those who say it like they see it. It takes the guess work out of the equation!

I'm not blaming God. I don't understand what God is doing. I believe very much in the reap what you sow principle. But, in reality, that isn't what always happens. Look around. The world is full of examples of people being blessed that shouldn't and bad things happening to good people.

My life, all of our lives, are a journey. Each one is different with our own sets of unique circumstances. Yet there are commonalities that bring us together and make us the same.

My struggle in understanding comes from my inability to comprehend why. Not just where my SD is concerned but in many areas of my life.

I can be somewhat of a black and white thinker. To me, it is simple. 1+1=2... right? You reap what you sow.

It isn't that simple, is it? I don't have the recipe for the perfect life. I thought I did. I thought by doing certain things I would be guaranteed a certain result.

In the midst of this mess I call my life, I am being faced with the reality of my motives. Do I serve God because I love Him? Do I serve God because it is what I was created to do? Do I believe what His Word says? When my child is running toward all I've worked to protect her from... When my child believes I don't love her... When I've lost my voice... Did I serve because I was believing in a guarantee for an easy life? Did I believe because I wanted insurance? Was my life, my service, given because of what I expected to get? Were all these things in my life to be gathered and looked upon by me as a way of telling myself that I was good and right and wonderful and deserved the salvation I've accepted?

I am at a crossroads in my life. The rubber has met the road and I have to decide what it is I believe and at what cost will I pay. I am undone.

Even though it hurts. Even though I don't know how. Even though there are days I want to just lay it all down and give up. I believe.

I don't know where I am headed. I don't know if things are going to work out with my daughter. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I thought I did. I now know that I don't know much.

Trisha said...

I think it is natural to stop and examine our lives once in a while. Today's culture makes this more confusing than ever - the whole bad people getting "rewarded" and good people getting the bad things in life heaped upon then. In that regard I just keep remembering that God would not give us more than we can handle.

I really struggled with why I was "given" SD when there were others who might have "deserved it more" in my sight anyway. I finally realized it wasn't a matter of "why me" but rather of "why NOT me?" Why shouldn't I have SD? Why should someone else have it instead of me? Was I "better" than them so I shouldn't have a tough vocal disorder? Talk about ego!

I have SD and bottom line - I have to live with it. This is part of my life journey and there is a purpose. Maybe I was meant to start a career in podcasting (wow - that sure pays a lot, doesn't it????) or I am supposed to find a way to help others with SD.

I KNOW that there is a reason which will be revealed to me (like the front of the tapestry) when the time is right.

I too feel like I am at a crossroads in my life (can I have a midlife crisis at 38?). I am unsure of where to go from here. I don't know what to do.

I just keep believing and praying and trying to be patient while I wack the heck out of the clay soil in my backyard.

Debra w said...

Hi Sweet Friend,

I know that you are in a lot of spiritual pain, right now, and I am very sad about that. You are such a kind-hearted individual and you deserve to feel balance in your life.

I read your original post and then I read what you wrote here in the comments. It is no wonder that you are questioning your own motives in serving God. Like you, I am a thinker. I read, I dissect, I meditate, and I try with all of my might to grow through my experiences. I have heard it said that "motive" doesn't really matter when it comes to doing the right thing in this world. For example, is the person who grumbles under their breath while handing money to a needy person any less deserving than the individual who does so with a smile on their face? And why, if the intention is ultimately the same, does it matter what the motive is? What I am saying, K, is that your internal motives are not what really matter. It's that you lived your life in a way that was pleasing to God which makes you who you are. You cannot hide from God. He knows what your motives are, regardless of how you have presented yourself, so don't focus too hard on why you have chosen to live a God-centered life. Instead, cut yourself some slack and know that you have done your best.

Things are not always cut and dry. There are many shades of grey. Other people's choices also affect how things work out for us, so it is never just black and white.

Routine is good, but slowing down is also valuable. Instead of overthinking things, use some of that energy to focus on something in nature. Think about all of the things that HAVE gone right in your life. Practice reminding yourself about the many things that feel like more than survival.

I am sorry that your daughter's behavior has caused you to question so many things that you once felt so sure about, but please, don't allow her actions to have so much power over you. She is on her own separate journey, much of which has nothing to do with you. You wrote that "Finding moments of joy and laughter in the midst of it all is living." Focus on those words because they are so filled with truth. Write that on a card, and place it on your bathroom mirror. Allow your own wisdom to be reflected back at you. This is how we begin to come to terms with difficult times. Trust your own wisdom, K.

Please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. If you need me, you know where to find me! I am with you, sister, and I understand how hard this journey can be.

Big hugs and healing prayers,
Debbie

Brenda said...

Coffee Bean,

I have only known you a short time but I feel we have some of the same pain in common. First of all, I think the fact that you are a black and white thinker makes it more clear why you feel this way. My husband and one of my daughters are black and white thinkers and so all of this grey area (sorry, there is one)is the tough part for them too. I think this is where the word "FAITH" comes into our lives. It is so easy for us to say we have faith when we have things go our way, even when things are going badly but we can see something good will come from it. It is really really faith when we trust in the blinding darkness and cannot see a thing. I know having a child fight you when you have tried so hard is wearing, sad, and can be so degrading in many ways. First of all, you need to take a day for yourself. Rest (away from home) pray, think and talk about something else. Your heart and your brain and even your body need it. Do you have somewhere else you could go for a day? When I was at my lowest I actually had to leave for 3 days. I slept most of those 3 days because my stressors were removed. Are you getting outside support? Therapy, support groups, does your husband "get" RAD? If you would like to email me privately radmoms@hotmail.com

Coffee Bean said...

Y'all are so sweet and I thank you for all your words of encouragement.

Brenda,

We are not dealing with RAD. I did do research on it when we were looking into adopting years ago. I have a friend that adopted two children from Russia. They are now 13 (boy) and 11 (girl). In fact, she is coming over for lunch tomorrow. It breaks my heart to hear of what they are going through with their 13 year old. She is also in excrutiating back and shoulder pain. I love reading your blog as it has provided insight into another family dealing with the same types of issues. It has also helped me in some ways that I am planning on blogging about later.

We are in counseling. My husband is very supportive and we are in agreement on how we are dealing with things. Blogging is a weird thing. It is almost like... I don't know... you know when you were a kid and you'd spend the night at a friend's house and you'd lay there in the dark talking for hours... talking about things you didn't normally during the day? Blogging is kind of like that for me. I have always been better at expressing myself through writing. The things I write are often times things I have a hard time saying (the non funny things anyway).

Kathy said...

Just here saying I am so sorry you are going through a rough time.
I am going to try to find a little poem a dear lady in Bible study gave to me, a few years ago when I was going through a difficult 'questioning' time in my life. I have had plenty of rough times, like everyone, but as a new Christian, I thought that life now would be easier. Ha. But now I understand how to ask for help (pray) during the rough stuff.
Hugs and Prayers!

Elysa said...

Hoping you find a thousand reasons to laugh this week.

BTW, have you seen ENCHANTED? What great escapism. We just watched it tonight and I've been dancing.

Wanna dance with my, my beautiful Princess K??? LOL!

My "A" is groaning saying, "Oh my gosh, that sounds so gay". I know. But its making me laugh. And you and I know, that laughing helps!

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! Sending enchanted kisses and hugs your way....

Princess Elysa

SabrinaT said...

I know how you feel! These days I feel like the second I stop moving, I will be still forever!

Brenda said...

Well whatever is going on in your life, I will pray about it with you. God is answering even when you do no see. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Angie said...

Your last three paragraphs are really what the book of Ecclesiastes is all about. Solomon, the greatest thinker of all time, pondered some of these same sorts of questions... Why does life seem meaningless at times? Why is it so unpredictable? Why, so often, do the evil prosper while the righteous are afflicted? What sense can we make of the world?

These are good questions to ask. The Proverbs teach us that it is the glory of kings to search out a matter. The conclusion Solomon came to was this: we should fear God and enjoy his gifts--we should walk by faith, not sight, even (and especially) when we don't understand the "why" of what is happening around us.

So keep on thinking and praying (the Psalms are full of prayers of lamentation, by the way, so it is no sin to fall on our knees and cry out to God asking "why?" and "how long?" at times) and then to get up rejoicing in a good God who holds all things in His hands.

tj said...

..."The time to be happy is now", "The place to be happy is here"...

...You've got to make your own happiness - it isn't gonna come in any form of something... It isn't a tangible object, person or place - it's within you Miss Coffeebean! ;o) I used to be like that and some days I still am but when presented with some problem or obstacle just ask yourself, "can I do anything about this today?" and if the answer is, "no" - then put it on the back burner for now...

...And if you are having one of those days where you just wanna stay in your pj's all day and eat two quarts of Haagen Daz - then do it, and do it guiltfree, but do it knowing you only have the ONE day to wallow and that's it. The next day it's back to life... ;o)

...I know you're experiencing turmoil right now but it is just for now, it won't be forever - this will pass. Seriously, it will. :o)

...Blessings to you KICFOBC...lol ;o)

tj said...

...Oh, and omg you killed me the other day with your "butt pucker" comment! LOL! Just typing it made me laugh! ;o)

...If you only knew how much happiness you spread by commenting on our blogs...why, your butt would really pucker...lol,lol,lol... :o)

...lol...I go now...