I don't know about you, but sometimes I get in a place where all that is wrong with my life is before me and I can't seem to see around it all to even begin to push past it. Sometimes, things that I see as being wrong really aren't even that big of a deal. I struggle with wanting things to be just so. I'm not talking about the things around me (although, that would be nice... especially if I weren't the one trying to get them just so... maid! anyone?). I'm talking about the relationships around me... family, friends, even the pets. How often do I look to others to determine where I am at in my life and how I feel about it? Too often, I'm afraid.
Do you ever get tired of thinking about stuff? I do. I would not call myself a brooder. I don't think I appear that way to others. But, actually, I probably really am. I don't always talk about what I am thinking about but it is there, in the back of my mind, churning.
I want answers. But, I don't get them.
Sometimes I stop everything. And I wait. I think if everything comes to a halt the answers will come. They don't.
Sometimes, so much in my life seems like meaningless toil. But, it isn't. Is it? There is a certain comfort in moving through a routine. There is a certain comfort in just doing. No thinking. Just getting whatever done.
The stopping and waiting is like depression. The moving... the doing... is surviving. Finding moments of joy and laughter in the midst of it all is living.
I want to live. I can't wait for everything to be just so.